home  |   site map 1998 version this version has been replaced by a new version from 2004 FREAKS By Eric Nakao ACT I Scene 1 BLEEKER HOUSE. There is a couch in the center, an armchair to the side and a counter in the rear. Behind the counter is a big sign that reads: “The Bleeker House For Wayward Souls Trying To Break Into Show Biz.” (MARTHA wanders in, suitcase in hand. BOB sits behind the counter reading Variety.) MARTHA Excuse me. I'm looking for a room? BOB Why, is one missing? (RIM SHOT) MARTHA Pardon me? BOB Why, are you trying to get out of prison? (RIM SHOT) MARTHA What are you, some sort of comedian? BOB That's right. I'm the comedian your mother warned you about. Rahrrr! MARTHA Then you are a comedian. BOB Sure, can't you tell? MARTHA Not by those jokes. (drums a rim shot on the counter and dings the bell.) BOB Ah, a fellow comedian. MARTHA I'm not a comedian. Or a fellow. BOB Then what are you? An actor? MARTHA An actor. BOB Dancer? MARTHA Dancer? BOB Singer? MARTHA Singer. BOB A parrot? MARTHA A parent? BOB A parent? MARTHA Why do you keep asking me these strange questions? BOB No no. Why are you . . . (waves her hand at the sign.) here? MARTHA (reads) “The Bleeker House For Wayward Souls Trying to Break Into Show Biz.” Oh. Well. I guess I took a wrong turn someplace. I'll just . . . (starts to exit) BOB Wait! You're from out of town, right? MARTHA So? BOB And you're a wayward soul, right? MARTHA I wouldn't say that. BOB You wouldn't say that. MARTHA I didn't say that. And besides, I'm not trying to break into show biz . . . ness. BOB Ah, but you are a wayward soul. MARTHA I am not a wayward soul. BOB Yes you are. MARTHA No I'm not. BOB Yes you are. MARTHA No I'm not. BOB First time in LA? MARTHA So? BOB Well, the footlights, the glamour. MARTHA I didn't come to Los Angeles for footlights. (MARTHA starts to exit again. BOB rushes out to stop her.) BOB Oh, but you must. (OFF-STAGE SINGERS sing OOMPA OOMPA until BOB starts to sing.) MARTHA Why? BOB Why. MARTHA Yeah. Why? Why? BOB Well. Because . . . because . . . MARTHA Just as I thought. Sorry, person who spends her days sitting behind a counter, but this is not the life for me. (MARTHA starts to exit again, but BOB rushes in front of her.) BOB OH OH OH, WHO PUT THE ANGEL IN LOS ANGELES? SOME SAY SHE'S WAITIN' THERE FOR ME. WITH EYES SO SHINY AND LIPS SO FINE-EE, I WANT TO TELL THE WORLD SHE'S MINE ALL MINE-EE-EE-EE. WHO PUT THE ANGEL IN LOS ANGELES? SOME SAY SHE'S WAITIN' THERE FOR ME-EE-EE. IN LOS ANGELES, CAL-I-FOR-NEE-A-A-A-A, HEAVEN BY THE SEA. (OFF-STAGE SINGERS sing OOMPA OOMPA until MARTHA starts to sing.) MARTHA What do angels have to do with show business? BOB Angels are a metaphor for show business. MARTHA They are not. BOB I mean show business is a metaphor for angels. You know, nice and happy. MARTHA That's not what I heard. BOB Why, what have you heard? MARTHA OH OH OH, WHO PUT THE JEALOUS IN LOS ANGELES? BOB Not me. MARTHA SOME SAY IT'S WAITIN' THERE FOR ME. WITH THOUSANDS TRYIN' TO WIN, DENYIN' THAT THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE AND END UP CYANIDIN'. WHO PUT THE JEALOUS IN LOS ANGELES? I JUST DON'T WANT TO END THAT WAY-AY-AY IN LOS ANGELES, CAL-I-FOR-NEE-A-A-A-A. I THINK I'M OK. (OFF-STAGE SINGERS sing OOMPA OOMPA until BOB starts to sing.) BOB I never said you weren't. MARTHA You said I was a wayward soul. BOB I did not! (MARTHA starts to exit. BOB stops her.) BOB OK OK, maybe I said it. But, you know, I know you so much better now. What was your name again? MARTHA Martha. BOB Martha. Bob. MARTHA Bob? BOB Yeah. So you see, Martha. OK, now everything you said is true. The jealousy, the denial, -- oh, the stories I could tell -- but if you make it, it’s just so -- MARTHA And if you don’t make it? BOB Oh, Martha. If you don’t make it . . . Well, it's like the smog, right? You just pop a lozenge and you'll be “just so,” too. BOB OH OH OH, WHO PUT THE LOZENGE IN LOS ANGELES? MARTHA Pop a lozenge. BOB A SUCKER FOR SUCCOR, CAN'T YOU SEE? IF YOU JUST STAY HERE, YOU'LL BE OK HERE. YOU MAY JUST FIND THE WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, YOU MAY HERE. WHO PUT THE LOZENGE IN LOS ANGELES? FOR EVERY DISEASE AND EVERY THOUGHT IMPURE IN LOS ANGELES, CAL-I-FOR-NEE-A-A-A-A, SHOW BIZ IS THE CURE. (OFF-STAGE SINGERS sing OOMPA OOMPA until BOB starts to sing.) MARTHA I thought show business was the root of all impure thoughts. BOB Well, if that’s the way you feel, why not give it a shot and see if you can do something about it? MARTHA Well, I don't have any talent for one thing. BOB No talent! Why, it's like standing next to Janis Joplin here. And besides, you don't have a place to stay yet, do you? MARTHA Well . . . BOB Well? MARTHA Well, all right. But only till I find someplace else. BOB Hallelujah! (BOB picks up MARTHA'S suitcase and they head back to the counter.) MARTHA Oh by the way, do you have a polka band in here? BOB WHO PUT THE TEMP INTO TEMPTATION? MARTHA WHO PUT THE TEMP IN TEMPORARILY? BOB IN LOS ANGELES, CAL-I-FOR-NEE – MARTHA A-A-A-A, BOB HEAVEN BY THE -- MARTHA HEAVEN BY THE -- BOB AND MARTHA HEAVEN BY THE SEA. (BOB hands MARTHA the key.) BOB You don't mind sharing a room, do you? MARTHA Sharing? BOB Yes. We're very crowded. Half price. MARTHA Well, it's not the money -- BOB All right, full price. MARTHA But -- BOB Sorry, break time. (puts a clock face sign on the counter and starts reading Variety) MARTHA But -- (Without looking up, BOB taps the top of the sign with a pencil and shoos MARTHA away. EM enters and sits on the couch. MARTHA wanders over to the couch and sits beside her.) MARTHA Is she always like that? EM Mm. MARTHA And you put up with it? EM There are a lot of creative people around here. MARTHA You mean destructive. EM Well, from out of the ashes . . . You have a nice voice, by the way. Are you a singer? MARTHA Not this again. EM Oh, don't worry about it. (EM extends her hand) Em. MARTHA Oh. (shakes EM’s hand) Martha. EM Martha. Maaartha. Maaarthaaa . . . (MARTHA takes her hand away.) MARTHA (to BOB) Uh, Bob? (BOB taps the top of her sign and shoos MARTHA away.) MARTHA (cont.) (to EM) So, are you a singer? EM I sing, but I am not a singer. MARTHA Dancer? EM I dance, but I am not a dancer. MARTHA Are you a -- EM Martha. Look at me. (MARTHA looks) EM (cont.) No. Look at me. (MARTHA looks harder. Suddenly, EM lunges forward, grabs MARTHA by the shoulders and puts her face close to hers.) EM (cont.) Look at me, Martha. Look deep within my soul, for I have nothing to hide. Or rather, I have nothing to hide, but that which I choose to reveal. Can you guess what I am, Martha! Can you! MARTHA Uhhh . . . EM No Martha, I am not an "uh." I am an aaaaa . . . MARTHA You are an aaaaa . . . EM ccccc . . . MARTHA ccccc . . . EM trrrr . . . MARTHA esssss . . . EM Yes Martha, I am an actress. And I am also your roooo . . . MARTHA My roooo . . . EM mmmmm . . . MARTHA mmmaaaate. EM Yes, Martha, yes. I am your actress-roommate. MARTHA Oh. Wonderful. (to BOB) Oh Bob? Bob? BOB Yes, Martha. MARTHA Could I have a, uh -- BOB A tome? A weighty tome? MARTHA No. BOB A chapter? A verse? EM Oh, Martha isn't averse to anything, are you, Martha. MARTHA Yes. I mean no. EM WHAT DO YOU WANT? OH MARTHA, TELL. A CHAPTER, VERSE, YOU THINK WOULD SUIT YOU WELL? EM (cont.) A SENTENCE LONG AND HARD, CONFESS -- MARTHA (to BOB) A WORD -- EM A WORD, THE WORD YOU NEED IS YES. MARTHA THE WORD IS “NO.” THE WORD IS “I.” THE WORD IS “CAN'T TELL YOU THE REASON WHY.” EM THEN YOU MUST STAY. MARTHA NO, I MUST STEAL INTO A WORLD THAT OFFERS SOMETHING REAL. EM AND BOB OH MARTHA, STAY. OH MARTHA, PLEASE. WE'LL BEG YOU PRETTY ON OUR EM AND BOB (cont.) (kneel) BENDED KNEES. MARTHA OH, PLEASE GET UP. I'VE NOT A CLUE OF WHY I SHOULD STAY HERE AND BE LIKE YOU. Hey! (BOB grabs MARTHA'S suitcase and she and EM play Keep Away From Martha.) EM AND BOB SHOW BIZ. SHOW BIZ. SHOW BIZ IS GREAT. (They push MARTHA back onto the couch, then proceed downstage, turn around and begin vamping their way back towards MARTHA in a V-pattern.) EM AND BOB (cont.) IT GIVES YOU THINGS THAT YOU DESIRE, THE FUEL YOU NEED TO FEED YOUR INNER FIRE. WE OFFER YOU THE PERFECT LIFE, FAR FROM THE PATHWAYS OF THE PLUNGING KNIFE. (EM and BOB sit on either side of MARTHA. Each grabs a hand and begins pulling back and forth on MARTHA in wavy motions.) EM AND BOB (cont.) SO MARTHA STAY WITH US AWHILE AND TILL THE GARDEN OF YOUR INNER STYLE. AND WHEN YOU’RE THROUGH, YOU WILL CONCEIVE A SHOW BIZ ADAM FOR YOUR SHOW BIZ EVE. (toss their heads back and give an "ole" with their hands) MARTHA Are you guys in some sort of cult? EM Now Martha, if we were in a cult -- BOB would we treat you this badly -- EM AND BOB on the first day? (shake their heads in unison.) MARTHA I don't know. Maybe you're testing me. BOB Honey, the only tests we care about around here are screen tests. Screen tests and auditions. And you gotta be tough. Tough as an inner tube, so you can -- (BOB grabs MARTHA by the shoulders and begins bouncing her up and down on the couch.) BOB (cont.) bounce back! Bounce back! Bounce back! MARTHA Stop! Stop! (EM stops BOB.) EM It's true, Martha. You have to be tough, to roll with the punches and bounce back, bounce back . . . (BOB bounces up and down.) EM (cont.) with your inner strength, your inner -- MARTHA Tubeness? BOB Ah, I like this one. Harrr! EM That's right, Martha. Your inner tubeness. Now, we're not testing you. And while there may be certain parallels -- BOB Blagh! EM we’re not a cult either. MARTHA And you want me to be like that? (BOB pantomimes “blagh!”) EM No. We want you to be whatever you want to be. MARTHA Through show business. EM Through show business. MARTHA Well . . . all right. But only till I find another place. EM Oh, of course. Come on, Bob. Let's show Martha to her new room. (BOB grabs MARTHA'S suitcase and she and EM link arms with MARTHA as they begin to exit.) EM AND BOB YOU'RE GOING TO STAY. MARTHA, HOORAY. LET'S ALL GO UPSTAIRS NOW SO WE CAN PLAY -- (GEORGE and MARK enter. GEORGE carries a guitar inside of a case. MARK, just a guitar.) MARTHA (to GEORGE and MARK) Help. (MARTHA, EM and BOB exit. GEORGE slumps on the couch. MARK paces around behind.) MARK I can't take you anywhere, can I. Huh? GEORGE I go where I go, Mark. MARK You go where you go. How can you be so stupid? GEORGE I ain't stupid, Mark. MARK You ain't stupid! How could you leave our money out there like that? GEORGE I ain't no security guard, Mark. Besides, it was your case. MARK (hugs his guitar) My case. My beautiful case. (to GEORGE) My case. Our money. GEORGE Hey, I was talking to a fan, OK? MARK A fan! She wasn't even listening to us! GEORGE She was listening. MARK She was eating her lunch. GEORGE And tapping her foot. MARK And talking to her friend. GEORGE She was a potential fan. MARK She was twelve-years old, for Chrissakes! What were you thinking? GEORGE Twelve-year olds make up a significant portion of the record buying population. Rolling Stone magazine. Besides, she wasn't 12. She was at least thirteen . . . and a half. MARK Oh, big difference. Do the math, son. GEORGE I did. She's thirteen and a half. (MARTHA, EM and BOB enter.) EM Hey guys, what's up? BOB What's down? MARK George, in the age range of his potential mating pool. EM 14? (MARK shakes his head.) BOB 13? MARK 12. BOB Oh my Lord, hide your daughters. GEORGE Thirteen and a half. At least. BOB Oh, well . . . GEORGE A teenager. A teenage woman -- MARK A potential woman. GEORGE who liked our music, -- MARK Who was eating her lunch. GEORGE and listening, -- MARK And talking to her friend, Pippi Longstocking. GEORGE and tapping her foot. MARK In your dreams! GEORGE At least I have dreams! EM Guys, guys. Did someone steal your money again? (GEORGE and MARK nod.) MARK And my case. MARTHA His case? EM Where people throw their money. BOB Among other things. MARK (pats guitar) Where am I gonna put old Betsy now? GEORGE I have a suggestion. And there's plenty of room up there, too! MARK Oh, and how would you know that? EM Guys, guys. Where are your manners? Can't you see we have a new guest in our happy home? Guys, this is Martha. Martha, George. GEORGE Hiya. EM And that’s Mark over there. MARK Salaam. EM Together they make up the outrageously melodic, stupendously futuristic, incontainably new wave musical group -- BOB George and Mark. EM The Freaks! (TOY HORN FLOURISH heard.) MARTHA Oh. So what do you . . . I mean how long have you been -- BOB Freaks? MARTHA No no, I didn't -- MARK WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS GEORGE AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. MARK WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS, GEORGE DON'T KNOW WHAT AND DON'T KNOW WHO. MARK WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS GEORGE AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. MARK, GEORGE, BOB AND EM BUT THAT'S OK. MARTHA Is it? MARK, GEORGE, BOB AND EM WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS AND WE DON'T KNOW RIGHT OR WRONG. WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS WHO'VE BEEN AT THIS FOR SO LONG. WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRAY. BUT THAT'S OK. MARTHA You know, I think I'm having second thoughts here. MARK, GEORGE, BOB AND EM THAT'S OK. EM Hey, I have an idea. Why don't Martha and I join the band. BOB Perfect! MARK AND GEORGE THAT'S OK. MARTHA Me, a freak? Oh, I don't know . . . (DRUMS are heard.) MARK Oh no, here it comes! MARTHA What what, where? (Red lights turn on as MARK, GEORGE, BOB and EM start slithering and bumping and grinding around the room and toying with MARTHA.) MARK, GEORGE, BOB AND EM IF YOU'RE A FREAKY LITTLE DARLIN' AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IF YOU'RE A FREAKY LITTLE DARLIN'. DON'T KNOW WHAT AND DON'T KNOW WHO. IF YOU'RE A FREAKY LITTLE DARLIN' AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. WELL, THAT’S! (Red lights turn off. Strobe lights turn on. MARK, GEORGE, BOB and EM really start dancing hard.) MARK, GEORGE, BOB and EM (cont.) O! (MARK and GEORGE pick up MARTHA and toss her lengthwise across the stage and onto the couch.) MARK, GEORGE, BOB and EM (cont.) K! (MARK, GEORGE, BOB and EM, screaming, pile on top of MARTHA. Strobe lights turn off and the red lights turn back on. Then the red lights turn off and the regular lights turn back on. MARTHA pops her head up through the pile of people.) MARTHA OK, OK. You made your point. (EM gets up.) EM A wonderful idea. MARTHA Now wait a second, I never said . . . (tries to disengage herself from the pile) Do you mind? (MARK, GEORGE and BOB start falling away.) MARK Oh, you don't have to. GEORGE We can see it in your elbows. MARTHA My elbows. EM Remember. I sing, but I am not a singer. MARTHA That's right. I can't be in your group because I am an actress. (EM shakes her head at GEORGE and MARK.) MARK Oh really. Then do something. EM Yes, Martha. By all means, do do something. MARTHA Well, let's see. To be or not to be -- EM (Applauds) Oh, brilliant. Author! Author! BOB Who wrote that? (to GEORGE) Did you write that? MARTHA No. I mean, Romeo, Romeo. (EM playfully mouths "Romeo, Romeo" to MARK.) MARTHA (cont.) Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Forgive thy father, reform thy name. Oh jeez. EM There, you see? She is an actress. She just hasn't learned her lines yet. Now come now, Martha. Be in our group. Be a Freak. MARTHA But I thought you were an actress. EM It is only my life. MARTHA Then why would you want to be in a band? EM Remember. I sing, but I am not a singer. MARTHA What does that mean exactly? EM Well, right now it means that while I am an actress -- BOB And a brilliant one. EM Thank you, Robert. That while I am an actress, I can and will do many things at this point in my career. BOB And throughout her career. GEORGE If she has one. MARTHA Including being a Freak? EM A Freak, a Beatle -- GEORGE A Mama. MARK A Papa. BOB A Rubber Ducky. EM Remember. One of the hardest things in show business is getting started. BOB (pokes MARTHA) Vroom, vroom. EM Now George and Mark here have already gotten started. BOB And brilliantly, I might add. EM And now that they have so graciously invited us to partake in their good fortune, the least we can do is supply them with a good answer. So what do you say? MARK But can she sing? EM Like Maria Callas. BOB Janis Joplin. EM Come Martha, sing that Carmen song you were enjoying with Robert and I a few moments ago. (BOB starts pulling MARTHA over to the couch.) GEORGE No no. Martha doesn't have to be a Freak if she doesn't want to. MARTHA It's not that I don't appreciate the offer. It's just that -- EM What? What? What are you gonna do? Just sit here, twiddling your pretty little thumbs, waiting for someone to discover you? (BOB examines one of MARTHA's thumbs.) MARTHA No no. It's just that . . . (to GEORGE) Thirteen and a half? GEORGE Maybe 14. Practically a woman. MARTHA Well . . . all right. BOB Hallelujah! MARTHA But only till I find my own place. EM WE’VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS GEORGE AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. EM WE’VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS, MARK DON’T KNOW WHAT AND DON’T KNOW WHO. EM WE’VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS BOB AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. (EM, MARK, GEORGE and BOB look at MARTHA.) MARTHA BUT THAT'S OK . . . FOR NOW. ACT I Scene 2 BLEEKER HOUSE. (MARTHA enters. BOB is sitting behind the counter.) BOB All hail the Freak! (ROYAL FLOURISH heard.) MARTHA Oh yeah, hi. BOB So how's it going? MARTHA Oh fine. BOB Fine? Fine? How fine? MARTHA There's not much to tell, really. We play in the park, -- BOB Yeah? MARTHA go to auditions. BOB Uh huh. And? MARTHA Then we go back to the park again. BOB Wonderful! Wonderful experience! MARTHA Yeah, I guess it's kind of fun. Different. BOB Sure it is. And you know what? Someday you're gonna look back and think, gosh, I miss those days, playin’ in the park, comin’ back to talk to good ol’ Bob . . . MARTHA Yeah, well. If you'll excuse me, I'm meeting someone. BOB Meeting someone? MARTHA Yeah. BOB You know someone? MARTHA I guess. In fact, I think that's her now. If you'll excuse me. (MS. HENKLE enters, carrying a briefcase. MARTHA goes to greet her.) BOB Well sure, if you really feel you need to meet someone. I mean meet someone. MARTHA Ms. Henkle? MS. HENKLE Martha? Martha, my dear. So good to finally meet you face to face. And such a charming face, too. MARTHA (good-natured embarrassment) Oh, Ms. Henkle. How good of you to come. (MARTHA and MS. HENKLE sit on the couch.) MS. HENKLE Oh, not at all. We don't often get applicants of your caliber at our little institution. MARTHA Oh, now I know you have many fine students at your campus. MS. HENKLE Well, we are proud of our student body, past, present and (pokes MARTHA) future. MARTHA Oh, Ms. Henkle. MS. HENKLE Now you say that you're interested in our American history program? MARTHA Very much. MS. HENKLE A wonderful choice, fascinating subject. (BOB gestures a yawn.) MS. HENKLE (cont.) Yes. As a matter of fact, I’ve got some brochures here. Let me see. (MS. HENKLE pulls brochures out of her briefcase and begins showing them to MARTHA. EM, GEORGE and MARK enter. They begin silently conversing with BOB about who MARTHA is with. BOB points to MARTHA, then ducks behind the counter and pops up wearing glasses and a backpack. Then she pulls out a pair of little American flags, waves them and points again at MARTHA. EM, GEORGE, MARK and BOB consult, then rush out.) (MARTHA and MS. HENKLE begin to exit.) MS. HENKLE Oh, you have nothing to worry about, dear. I'm sure you'll do just fine. MARTHA So you think I have a good chance? (BOB rushes in wearing an American Revolution dress.) BOB It's show time! MARTHA Actually, we were just -- BOB Oh, you don't want to leave now. Why, the show's just beginning. (BOB ushers MARTHA and MS. HENKLE to the armchair. ) BOB (cont.) Sit ye! Sit ye! (returns to center stage) Ladies and gentlemen! The Bleeker House Players are proud to present, "George and Martha: A Revolutionary Love Story!" (ROYAL FLOURISH heard.) BOB (cont.) You know, they say that George Washington had wooden teeth, but I didn't believe it till I saw a picture of a beaver trying to make a dam out of his molars! (RIM SHOT) BOB (cont.) But seriously, folks. We begin our story at Mt. Vernon. It's the middle of winter, the middle of the Revolution, and the beginning of our little drama. (BOB goes and stands by MARTHA and MS. HENKLE while EM as Martha Washington and GEORGE as the President enter, in costume. GEORGE sits on the couch. EM stands.) EM George, don't you think it's about time you got back to the Revolution? GEORGE But how can I, my pet, with your glorious beauty standing in my path? EM Oh, that's very flattering, honey, but the war . . . GEORGE You mean the war that rages within my breast for you, dear Martha. EM Oh dearest, your words do indeed set my downy bosom aflame with wanting, but your men . . . GEORGE They're not going anywhere. Come, let us instead sit by yon fire and toast marshmallows. And when the howling blizzard doth pass, so too, will I be gone. EM Oh George, but you should be with your men before the storm passeth, not after. To show them how deeply you care for them, for their cause, for . . . EM (cont.) OH GEORGE, YOU MUST GO TO VALLEY FORGE TO FIGHT FOR WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S FREE. AND WHEN, WHEN YOU GO TO VALLEY FORGE, YOU GO NOT FOR YOU AND FOR ME, BUT FOR AMERICA, AMERICA, THEN GOD WILL SHINE ON THEE. GEORGE OH MARTHA, I OWE IT ALL TO YOU FOR TURNING ME ROUND WITH YOUR PLEA. I SHALL (I SHALL!), I SHALL GO TO VALLEY FORGE. AND NOT JUST FOR YOU AND FOR ME, BUT FOR AMERICA, AMERICA, THEN GOD WILL SHINE ON THEE -- (GEORGE rises and stands close to EM.) GEORGE AND EM AND FOR AMERICA, A-HA-MER-HER-RI-HI-CA, THEN GOD WILL SHINE ON THEE. (EM helps GEORGE put on his coat. He gives her a big kiss, then strides to the door. When he opens it, a blizzard of snow rushes in. GEORGE pauses, then turns to EM with a snow mask covering his face, his dark little eyes blinking in question through the eye holes. But EM pushes his face away with a smile, then pushes him out and closes the door behind her.) MS. HENKLE (applauding) Bravo! Bravo! MARTHA Yes, very "bravo" of you. Now if you'll excuse us. (MARTHA starts escorting MS. HENKLE towards the exit, but BOB stops them.) BOB Wait, you can't leave now. Why, we've just begun. We've barely begun. MARTHA I'm sure you don't need us to put on your show. BOB Well, I'm sure that without an audience, there is no show. MARTHA But I'm not an audience. BOB Well, we're not a show. GEORGE I thought we were a show. MARTHA A show of force. EM Well, if you want to leave, you can. I just don't know why you'd want to. MARTHA My guest and I, -- EM Your guest? MARTHA Ms. Henkle, -- EM Ah. MARTHA were just on our way to lunch. EM Ah. Well. So were we. MARTHA You were not. GEORGE Chili dogs and onion rings! Let's go together! MS. HENKLE Actually, we have reservations -- BOB Oh, but how can you have reservations about chili dogs! (BOING SOUND heard. BOB and GEORGE react.) GEORGE And onion rings! (Lower pitched BOING heard. BOB and GEORGE react.) MARTHA I really don’t think Ms. Henkle is in the mood for chili dogs. BOB What about franks and beans? GEORGE Ben and frank. BOB Speaking of which, where is Ben? GEORGE Ben who? BOB Why, there's only one Ben. (to audience) Or is there? (BOB, GEORGE and EM usher MARTHA and MRS. HENKLE off to the side as MARK enters, in costume.) MARK THIS OLD REVOLUTION HAS GOT ME DOWN. WHICH WAY SHALL I TURN? GO UP OR GO DOWN? SEE HOW CONFUSING THE TIMES HAVE BECOME. NOW BENJAMIN, NOW BENEDICT. NOW FRANKLIN, NOW ARNOLD. NOW STATESMAN, NOW TRAITOR. AHHH! WHICH WAY SHALL I TURN? WHICH WAY SHALL I BE? (FRIEND #1 and FRIEND #2, in costume, enter and approach MARK from either side.) MARK (cont.) HERE COME MY OLD FRIENDS. OR MY ENEMIES? FRIEND #1 HO, BENJAMIN. FRIEND #2 HO, BENEDICT. FRIEND #1 HO, FRANKLIN. FRIEND #2 HO, ARNOLD. FRIEND #1 HO, STATESMAN. FRIEND #2 HO, TRAITOR. MARK (sweeps his cloak over his face) AHHH! (FRIENDS #1 and #2 give MARK a friendly tap and keep walking. MARK slowly emerges from his cloak.) MARK THE COUNTRY NEEDS TO BE IN SYNC, BUT I AM TORN BETWEEN AND THINK. OH BENJAMIN, OH BENEDICT. OH FRANKLIN, OH ARNOLD. OH STATESMAN, OH TRAITOR. (sweeps off-stage) AHHH! MS. HENKLE (applauding) Bravo! Bravo! EM (to MARTHA) There, now wasn't that better than going to lunch? GEORGE Food for the mind. BOB Mind food. EM Food for the soul. BOB Sou -- MARTHA Why should I care? BOB Well, if you want to learn stuff, you could learn just as much by watching our play as you could at any college. MARTHA Is this what all this is about? BOB Is this what all what this is about? GEORGE She means is this what all that was this about. EM Besides, we have a part for you. It's not the lead. That would be me. But it's a great part. Betsy Ross. BOB Betsy Ross! I thought I was Betsy Ross. EM Well, you are, in spirit, but on stage, Martha is, OK? BOB But I want to be Betsy Ross, all of me. MARK In your dreams. EM In all our dreams, Mark, who is not helping very much. But we want Martha to play Betsy Ross now because it would be a good learning experience, right? MARTHA Actually, Ms. Henkle and I were just going to lunch. BOB Did you hear that? Martha doesn't want my part, she wants to go to lunch. EM No no. Martha doesn't know what she wants. GEORGE She wants chili dogs and onion rings! (BOING SOUND heard. GEORGE reacts.) EM No. Martha doesn't know what she wants yet, that's why we're helping her. Now Bob . . . (BOB resists.) EM (cont.) Bob . . . BOB Oh, all right. Here. (BOB takes off her costume and standing in her underwear, hands it to EM.) MARTHA But I don't want to take Bob's part. She looks so tiny standing there. EM You're not taking Bob's part, tiny though she may be. She wants you to have it. Don't you, Bob. (BOB starts to cry.) EM (cont.) There, you see? MARTHA Oh, I don't know. EM Listen, you're not taking her part, understand? Bob's going to be one of the Minutemen. (BOB lets out a wail.) EM (cont.) As a matter of fact, I think I hear them now. (MARCHING SOUNDS heard. Three MINUTEMEN enter, carrying rifles and marching.) MINUTEMEN (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK) OH, GUESS WHO WE ARE? (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK) WE'RE YOUR NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS. (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK) WE'RE READY TO FIGHT. (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK) WHEN THE SIGNAL YOU SEND THE FIGHTING MINUTEMEN. THE FIGHTING MINUTEMEN. (resume marching) (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK) WE'RE STEALTHILY HID (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK) IN YOUR DAILY LIVES, MINUTEMEN (cont.) (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK) UNTIL WE RECEIVE (TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK) THE SIGNAL THAT DRIVES THE FIGHTING MINUTEMEN. THE FIGHTING MINUTEMEN. EM (to BOB) There, now isn't that nice? (EM goes over to CHUCK, one of the MINUTEMEN.) EM (cont.) Sorry, Chuck. (She takes CHUCK's rifle. CHUCK bursts into tears and runs off the stage. EM hands the rifle to BOB.) EM (cont.) There, what did I tell you. When Emmy makes a promise, she keeps a promise. Now what do you say? (BOB bursts into tears and runs off the stage.) EM (cont.) That's it. Go call your mom and tell her the good news! (EM hands MARTHA the costume.) EM (cont.) OK. Now Martha. Put on this dress and be Betsy Ross. (MARTHA puts on the costume.) MARTHA I don't know. Bob didn't look too happy. EM Listen, we'll work something out. Maybe being a Minuteman isn't the answer, -- (for the benefit of the two remaining MINUTEMEN) even though it's a great part! (The MINUTEMEN congratulate one another.) EM (cont.) But the thing is, you're here now, right? Bob's gone. She abandoned us. MARTHA She abandoned us? EM OK, whatever. But you are here, right? You're in costume -- and you look fabulous, by the way -- and you've got a song. (to GEORGE) George, give Martha a song. (GEORGE gives MARTHA some sheet music, a big American Revolution flag and a needle and thread.) EM (cont.) So just go on out there now and sing your American-history-loving little heart out, then you can go to lunch. MARTHA Really? EM Sure. What did you think? That we're a bunch of slave drivers around here that don't let people go to lunch? We're union, you know. (to others) Sort of. (to Martha) So just go on out there, sing your song and then you can go. (MARTHA goes, looking over her sheet music. She sits on the couch and pretends to be sewing the flag.) MARTHA RED, WHITE AND BLUE, THREE COLORS THAT ARE TRUE. RED, WHITE AND BLUE, FOR BABY, ME AND YOU. RED, WHITE AND BLUE, I'M SEWING FOR OUR LAND (rises and snaps open the flag on "symbol") A SYMBOL OF AMERICA, A BANNER BOLD AND GRAND. (A wounded SOLDIER enters and stands next to MARTHA.) MARTHA (cont.) WHEN YOU ARE BLUE FROM FIGHTING THIS OLD WAR, RED, WHITE AND BLUE, WILL MAKE YOUR SPIRITS SOAR. DON'T YOU GIVE IN TO FEELINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE, REMEMBER GOOD OLD BETSY ROSS, SHE'LL SEW A FLAG FOR YOU. (MARTHA holds out the flag for the SOLDIER. He starts weeping and wipes a tear away with a corner of Old Glory. MARTHA consoles him.) (EM and MS. HENKLE applaud.) EM Touching! MS. HENKLE Pathos! Pathos! Wonderful performance! EM And educational. Something that an American history major could truly appreciate. MARTHA Excuse me, but I'm not going to study American history so I can appreciate your play. EM Why not? MARTHA Well, for one thing, it's full of inaccuracies. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe that Benjamin Franklin and Benedict Arnold were the same person! EM Oh really, really. I must have misread that chapter. Well, that's perfect. MARTHA Perfect. EM Sure. Now, not only can you play Betsy Ross, -- MS. HENKLE And beautifully. EM but you can also serve as our technical adviser. MARTHA And if I choose not to serve? EM Too late, you've already been signed. (GEORGE hands MARTHA a contract. MARTHA starts to read it, but GEORGE snatches it away.) EM (cont.) Besides, what better way to serve your country than to educate the American public through your art? MARTHA You mean your art. EM Whatever. MARTHA Ms. Henkle? MS. HENKLE You know, my grandfather was in vaudeville -- GEORGE Everybody loves show business! EM There, you see? Ms. Henkle, your benefactor, has a root or two firmly planted in the fertile fields of the entertainment industry. MS. HENKLE and I've often wondered what it would've been like to have followed in his footsteps. EM And she regrets having planted her tulips in the dusty fields of academia. MS. HENKLE Oh, my tulips are quite happy where they are. But I do know some people who own a theater and they're always looking for new plays. EM A theater? MS. HENKLE Why yes. A charming little place near the college. EM I love college! MS. HENKLE Well, why don't we discuss it over lunch? GEORGE Chili dogs for everyone! (BOING SOUND heard. GEORGE, the SOLDIER and the MINUTEMEN react.) MS. HENKLE Oh, I don't know if you all can come. Maybe we can squeeze in one or two more. (GEORGE puts his arm around MS. HENKLE.) GEORGE Sorry guys, maybe next time. (EM steps between GEORGE and MS. HENKLE.) EM One more will be fine, Ms. Henkle. (She begins ushering MS. HENKLE towards the exit.) EM (cont.) So, as you were saying . . . MS. HENKLE Well, as I said, it's a small place that some friends of mine own. I think I can swing it, but there's no guarantee. EM Well, that you would even consider asking is a dream come true. (to MARTHA) Coming, Betsy? MARTHA But what about my application? MS. HENKLE Well, it looks promising, dear -- EM But there’s no guarantee. (EM and MS. HENKLE laugh as MARTHA follows them out.) ACT 1 Scene 3 BLEEKER HOUSE. (MARTHA, wearing a pair of glasses, sits on the couch and studies an American history book. BOB enters and notices her. She takes out a feather duster from behind the counter and begins dusting. She makes her way over to MARTHA and tries to get her attention by humming, dusting around her, etc., but does not succeed. Finally, she begins dusting MARTHA's book, then goes up her arm and into her face.) MARTHA What are you . . . (pushes the duster away and sneezes) Oh, Bob. (BOB turns up her nose and goes back to the counter. MARTHA closes her book and goes over to BOB who's reading Variety.) MARTHA (cont.) Listen Bob, I'm really sorry about what happened yesterday. (BOB puts up the clock sign, taps the top with a pencil and shoos MARTHA away.) MARTHA (cont.) You know, I really didn't want -- (BOB harumphs and rumples her paper.) MARTHA (cont.) Bob? (BOB harumphs and rumples some more. MARTHA snatches the paper away.) MARTHA (cont.) Bob, would you please listen? I'm trying to apologize. BOB For what? For stealing my part? For stealing my dream? (snatches her paper back) MARTHA But I didn't. Em made me. BOB She made you take my dream? MARTHA No, she made me take your part. BOB Taking my part and taking my dream is the same thing, Ms. Benedict Arnold. (returns to her paper) MARTHA But your dream is to be a comedian, isn't it? BOB Oh, and a comedian can't play it straight? MARTHA No, of course she can -- BOB You don't think I can play the ingenue? MARTHA No, I'm sure you could -- BOB Well, then what are you saying? MARTHA I, I don't know. BOB Unless you're saying that although I could play it straight, although I could play the ingenue, by playing the Minuteman, my natural comedic ability could be better showcased, leading to an expansion of said role. MARTHA Yes. That's what I meant. BOB That I could even be . . . the star. MARTHA Well, I don't know. As long as Em is around. BOB What? MARTHA Well, maybe the star. BOB The co-star. MARTHA Yes. BOB The showstopper. MARTHA Exactly. BOB The scene stealer. MARTHA Public enemy #1. BOB Well, I feel better now. MARTHA Well you should, my goodness. BOB So, what were you reading? MARTHA Huh? BOB Reading, reading. MARTHA Oh, just some American history stuff. BOB Oh, so you've been accepted. MARTHA No no. I just thought I'd get a head start. BOB Oh. Cheating, eh? MARTHA I am not cheating! I would never – (RIM SHOT) MARTHA (cont.) Oh, that was a joke. (BOB holds her hand to her side in a comic's pose.) MARTHA (cont.) Well, speaking of jokes. And cheating. (RIM SHOT) MARTHA (cont.) How did you know I wanted to study American history? BOB What do you mean? MARTHA What do you think I mean? BOB Oh, you mean the play. Oh, well, I overheard you talking to that woman. MARTHA Ms. Henkle. BOB Right. I even did you, as a matter of fact. MARTHA Did me? (BOB ducks behind the counter, then pops up wearing glasses and a backpack) BOB Hi! Did you get your classes yet? (BOB comes out and she and MARTHA start strolling around together like they're on campus.) MARTHA Oh, not yet. Still waiting. BOB Well hey, ain't that the truth. And gosh and golly gee, there sure are a lot of cute fellers around here. MARTHA Oh yes, the College of Eating and Studying is famous for the cuteness of its male students. BOB But I guess we'll never get asked out while we’re stuck wearing these things. (indicates her glasses) MARTHA Oh, I don't know about that. BOB Oh really. Then there’s hope? MARTHA BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES CUZ THEY'RE SO PRETTY AND NICE, AND NICE. BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES. THEY DON'T THINK TWICE. BOB Wow! MARTHA WHENEVER THEY'RE NEAR THEM, THEY ALWAYS WILL CHEER THEM. BOB DING DONG, DING DONG. MARTHA WHENEVER THEY'RE WITH THEM, THEY ALWAYS WILL KISS THEM. BOB DING DONG DELL. MARTHA AND BOB (start waltzing) BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES CUZ THEY'RE SO PRETTY AND NICE, AND NICE. BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES, THEY DON'T THINK TWICE. (stop waltzing) MARTHA SO IF YOU'RE A LASSIE WITH WINDSHIELD AND CHASSIS, BOB DON'T FEEL BLUE. MARTHA THERE'S ALWAYS A FELLA. YOU'LL BE CINDERELLA BOB AND BRAND NEW. MARTHA AND BOB (start waltzing again) BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES CUZ THEY'RE SO PRETTY AND NICE, AND NICE. BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES, THEY DON'T THINK TWICE. THEY DON'T THINK TWICE. THEY DON'T THINK TWICE. (EM enters.) EM Well I'm glad someone's having a good time around here. MARTHA Why, what's the matter? EM You're friend, for one thing. MARTHA My friend? EM Yes. Ms. Henkle. Trudy. BOB Trudy. MARTHA She's not my friend. She's my adviser. EM You mean your “opinionater.” MARTHA Why, what's the matter? EM That woman has an opinion about everything. The play's too long. Why not put this over here? Is this line really necessary? Is this song really necessary? MARTHA The Benjamin/Benedict song? EM No. The Minuteman song. (BOB almost has a heart attack. MARTHA steadies her.) MARTHA What's the matter with the Minuteman song? I thought it was kind of attractive. EM Attractive. Henkle says it makes them look creepy. Can you believe that? BOB You know, she may have a point there, Em. (puts her arm around EM's shoulder) See, I've been giving some thought about my character, you understand? MARTHA Uh, maybe this isn't a good time for that, Bob. (EM stares down BOB.) MARTHA (cont.) So what else is she saying? She's still doing the play, isn't she? EM Well sure, she's still doing the play. It's a great play. But everything has to go through her. She knows this person. She knows that person. Bucky and her used to be in the drama club together. BOB Bucky. EM And get this. She wants to direct. MARTHA Really. EM Yes, really. She says she has this gift. This vision. MARTHA I thought the writer was supposed to have more of a say in the theater. EM Listen, I’m not a writer, OK? MARTHA Well, maybe you should start thinking of yourself as one. EM No way. Why would I want to think of myself as a writer when I can think of myself as an actress? I mean I am an actress. MARTHA What about a producer? BOB An actress-producer. Sounds like an agent. (RIM SHOT) EM I'm not an agent. I wouldn't mind being a producer though. MARTHA Well, there you go. And as the producer, couldn't you tell the director what to do? EM Yeah, right. If I was the real producer, but I'm not. It’s just that I have no real power here, you know? Henkle has all the power. I'm more like her lackey. Her Tinker Bell. BOB Tinker Bell had power. She had fairy power. EM The thing is, I wouldn't mind working for her so much if she just had some sort of vision. MARTHA Well, tell her that. EM How do you tell someone with no vision that she has no vision? BOB Give her some of your vision. EM Hey Tinker Bell, I would if I could. But the real problem is that she has all the power and she thinks that this power is her vision, you know? MARTHA What's wrong with power? EM Nothing, if you're in a power position, but she's not. She's put herself in a vision position, so when she has to come up with a vision solution, there's nothing there. BOB If there's nothing there, what's the problem? Just hit her in the head with a 2 x 4 and push her out of the way. EM No. Nothing's there in the vision area, but plenty's there in the power area. So when a vision solution is required and no vision comes out, the power comes rushing in to take its place. MARTHA Well, why can't she see that? EM Because she has no vision! I'm standing here talking about a woman with no vision to a person with no hearing! MARTHA OK, so what are you going to do about it? EM Well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but what I have to do is take over the vision area as director and keep her tied up in the power area. MARTHA But won't you still have the same problem with her having all the power? EM No. If I'm the director, she won't have all the power anymore. I'll still have problems, but I can work around them a little, say yes yes yes to her suggestions, then do things my way when it comes to doing the actual play. MARTHA Sounds dangerous. EM Yeah, but anything's better than what I've got now. And besides, it's just gonna get worse when I take off my writer's hat and put on the hat I really wanna wear. MARTHA Your actress hat. EM Right. And with Trudy Henkle as my director. MS. HENKLE (off-stage) Hello, hello! EM Oh no, here she comes. (starts to exit) I'm not here. BOB Should we tell her what you just said about her? EM (whisper) You do that and I'll demote you from the Minutemen to the Boston Tea Party chorus line! (EM mouths the words "Not here" to MARTHA and exits. MS. HENKLE enters.) MS. HENKLE Hello, hello. BOB She's not here! MS. HENKLE Who's not here? MARTHA Uh, can we help you with something, Ms. Henkle? MS. HENKLE Oh no, dear. I just dropped by to give you some more brochures. (hands MARTHA brochures) MARTHA Oh. More brochures. You know, Ms. Henkle, I think I'm getting a little passed the brochure stage, don't you? Shouldn't I start on the application stage? MS. HENKLE You can never have enough preparation, dear. BOB Martha's preparing. You should see her read all those history books. (BOB puts a book in MARTHA's hands in a reading position.) MS. HENKLE That's all very nice, dear. But there are other things that Martha could do to prepare for admission. MARTHA Like reading brochures? MS. HENKLE Yes. Reading brochures and -- BOB Being in a play. MS. HENKLE Exactly. MARTHA What good is that gonna to do me? MS. HENKLE Oh, well, we at Briarwood College can appreciate the well-rounded individual. Now your academic record is quite impressive, Martha, but I noticed that you don't have much in terms of extracurricular activities. MARTHA But I want to study American history. MS. HENKLE From what perspective? MARTHA From a historical perspective. BOB I'm getting a headache. MS. HENKLE A historical perspective. MARTHA Yes, of the people who caused and experienced the historical events. MS. HENKLE And what good will knowing that do? MARTHA Well, then we compare their context and perspective with our context and perspective -- MS. HENKLE Ah, but how can you know what our context and perspective is if you have no extracurricular activities? BOB She can do our play! MARTHA I'm already doing the play. BOB And she's in a band. MS. HENKLE Wonderful! (begins to exit) Explore your options, dear. Read the brochures and I'll get back to you. (exits) MARTHA What was that all about? BOB I don't know. But she's the one who can get you into your college, so you better listen. MARTHA Maybe Em was right about that vision thing. BOB Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. But in the meantime, look who's here. (GEORGE and MARK enter, arguing.) MARK It's a stupid song. GEORGE It's not a stupid song. It's a great song. MARTHA What. "Oh George, You Must Go To Valley Forge?" GEORGE No. "The Workaday Blues." MARTHA Oh, did Em write a new song? GEORGE No, it's my song. I wrote it. BOB For the show? GEORGE For the band, the band! BOB Sorry. GEORGE How could you forget about the band? BOB I'm not in the band. GEORGE (to MARTHA) How could you forget about the band? MARTHA I haven't. BOB Forget the band. What about the song? GEORGE Forget the band! MARK It's a stupid song. GEORGE It's not a stupid song! It's a great song! MARTHA Well, why don't you play it for us, then? MARK Yeah, play it for them. GEORGE It's not a stupid song! MARTHA Just play it, George. GEORGE (sits down on the couch with his guitar) OK. Here it is. "The Workaday Blues" -- BOB (like little kid) By Stanley Beetleman. MARK It's a stupid song! We can all feel it coming! GEORGE It's not a stupid song! MARTHA OK, shh shh. BOB Yes, everybody. Shh shh, shh shh. MARK It's a stupid song. GEORGE It's not a stupid song! MARK Then play it, why don't you! GEORGE I would if everyone would just shut up for a second! BOB Yes, everybody. Shh shh shh, shh shh shh. MARTHA OK, everybody's listening now, George. So . . . GEORGE (starts playing) OH, I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD AND I WORK IN CENTURY CITY. (HEY HEY. HEY HEY.) MARK What a stupid song. GEORGE WHERE THE BUILDINGS ARE TALL AND THE PEOPLE, THEY TRY TO LOOK PRETTY. MARTHA It's not so bad. GEORGE OH WELL, I TAKE THE NUMBER 4 DOWN OLD SMB, SIXTY MINUTES LATER, I'M A DOWN BY THE SEA. MISSED MY STOP A WAY BACK THERE, BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT. BOB Missing your stop is kind of stupid, though. MARTHA Oh I don't know, I've missed my stop a couple of times, haven't you? MARK Oh no, here it comes. GEORGE MAN, I'M BUSTED REAL BAD. MARK Arrrrrrrgh! GEORGE IF I GO BACK NOW, MY ASS IS FRIED, BABY. CUZ THAT BOSS O' MINE, WELL, HE'S JUST BAD NEWS, DUDE. MARTHA Is he all right? GEORGE OH, SHOULD I GO BACK NOW? SHOULD I GO BACK TO CENTURY CITY? (OH NO! OH NO!) WHERE THE BUILDINGS ARE TALL AND MY BOSS IS KINDA SHITTY. (to MARK) Don’t say it. OH, IF I GO BACK NOW I'LL BE FORTY MINUTES LATE, BREEZE INTO THE OFFICE GEORGE (cont.) AND MY BOSS'LL BE A WAITIN', HE'LL SAY, "COME ON OVER HERE," THEN SMILE AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT. MARTHA OK, I think we get the idea. GEORGE MAN OH MAN, WHEN THAT DUDE STARTS SMILIN', MAN, -- MARK She said we get the idea. GEORGE AND YOU GO OVER AND HE'S JUST SMILIN' AND SMILIN' AND -- MARK Stop singing! GEORGE OH MAN! OH MAN! MY ASS IS FRIED! FRIED! MARK That's it. (He grabs GEORGE'S guitar and starts to swing it to the floor, but BOB snatches it away and starts strumming and strolling.) BOB ALAS, MY LOVE, YOU DO ME WRONG TO CAST ME OFF DISCOURTEOUSLY . . . GEORGE Hey, I'm not finished yet! MARK Your song is crap. It's time to flush, bro. GEORGE My song is not crap. MARK Your song is crap! You sing the songs of crap! GEORGE My song is not crap! I sing of the oppressed working conditions of the proletariat! MARK Oppressed working conditions! You've never worked a day in your life! MARTHA I had a supervisor who was mean to me once. MARK And what was that talking part all about? GEORGE Hey, it's the blues, baby. When you got the blues, you gotta just talk it out sometimes. MARK You don't talk the blues, you shit-cheeked anal cavity. You sing the blues! Sing the blues! GEORGE Talking part of the song is a perfectly acceptable tenet in the blues lexicon. Martha? MARTHA Yes? GEORGE Acceptable tenet? MARTHA Uh . . . MARK Acceptable tenet. What did you think of the song? MARTHA Well . . . GEORGE Go ahead. Be honest. I respect your opinion. MARTHA Well . . . BOB It sucks! MARK There, you see? GEORGE OK. That's one opinion. Martha? MARTHA Well, it didn't suck. BOB Yes it did! Oh, my ear canals are still puckering up from all those big sucking noises! GEORGE Martha? MARTHA Well, maybe that talking part -- BOB Sucked popsicles! GEORGE Martha? MARTHA Well, it didn't suck. BOB Yes it did! It sucked the big P till its lips turned purple! MARTHA You suck, Bob. BOB You promised you'd never tell. MARTHA It didn't suck, George. I liked the last part -- MARK You mean the crappy part? MARTHA and I admire your feelings for the working people -- (EM enters.) EM What working people? BOB Ah, look what the working song sucked in. EM What working song? I haven't written any working song. GEORGE My working song, Emmy. You're not the only person who writes songs around here. EM Oh. Well. Let's hear it, then. BOB Wait a minute, let me unpucker my ear canals first. (pops her ears with her fingers while making popping sounds) GEORGE You can hear it in the park. Come on. (GEORGE, MARK and MARTHA start to exit.) EM Uh, guys, guys. I've been meaning to tell you. I, uh, can't be in the band anymore. MARK What? MARTHA Well if Em isn't going to be in the band, I don't know if I want to either. MARK What? EM Well, you know with the play and everything I don't really have a lot of spare time -- MARK Spare time! Is that what we were to you, spare time? EM Well, I'm sorry, Mark, but this play is important to me. And besides, I only joined the band for Martha. MARK And now she's leaving, too. EM No she’s not. MARK She just said she was. MARTHA Well, I just don't want to be the only girl in the band, especially . . . you know. MARK There, you see? She's afraid to be alone with us. EM Find another girl then. GEORGE But we don't know any other girls. EM Oh, sure you do. What about . . . (EM looks around the room and sees BOB slumped in the armchair with the guitar) EM (cont.) What about Bob? MARK Bob? EM Yeah. She's a girl. Right, Bob? (BOB looks like a girl.) MARK But can she sing? BOB (strums guitar) ALAS, MY LOVE, YOU DO ME WRONG TO CAST ME OFF DISCOURTEOUSLY. FOR I HAVE LOVED YOU, OH, SO LONG, DELIGHTING IN YOUR COMPANY. MARK OK, good enough. Let's go. (MARK, MARTHA and BOB starts to exit. GEORGE follows.) GEORGE But she said my song sucked. MARK We all think your song sucked, bro. MARTHA I never said that. EM And don't forget, rehearsals for "George and Martha" start next week. MARK You think we're gonna be in your crappy play after you dump on us like this? EM It pays 250 a week. GEORGE We'll be there. BOB (strumming guitar) ALAS, MY LOVE, YOU DO ME WRONG TO CAST ME OFF DISCOURTEOUSLY FOR I HAVE LOVED YOU, OH, SO LONG, DELIGHTING IN YOUR STRUMPERY . . . ACT I Scene 4 PARK. A bench and garbage can. (MARTHA, BOB, GEORGE and MARK sing with GEORGE and MARK playing their guitars. An open guitar case lies at their feet for donations.) MARTHA, BOB, GEORGE AND MARK WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS, DON'T KNOW WHAT AND DON'T KNOW WHO. WE'VE BEEN FREAKS FOR WEEKS AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY . . . BOB I know what to say, this heat is killin' me. (goes and plops down on the bench as the song begins to get thrown off-track) MARTHA, GEORGE AND MARK BUT THAT'S . . . GEORGE I'm with you, Bobby. (goes back to the bench with BOB) MARTHA AND MARK O . . . BOB Whew! What a scorcher! GEORGE You can say that again. MARTHA K . . . MARK Cut, cut. Bob, George, what the hell are you doing? BOB Aw, leave us alone. MARK I thought you wanted to be in the band? BOB I do. Go ahead, I’m listening. MARK You’re not here to listen. You’re here to sing. (MARK goes over to BOB and pulls her up. MARTHA comes back and slumps down on the bench. MARK lets BOB go and she flops to the ground.) MARK (cont.) Oh, this is just great. GEORGE Aw, give it a rest, bro. It's too hot to sing. MARK What are you talking about? MARTHA It's so hot. MARK It's not that hot. BOB IT'S SO HOT. IT'S SO HOT. GEORGE WE'VE TRIED TO KEEP OUR COOLS, BOB BUT WE FIND WE CANNOT. MARTHA OUR TEMPERATURES ARE RISING FROM THIS UNRELENTING HEAT. GEORGE THE BEST THING WE CAN MUSTER BOB IS TO MARTHA SIMPLY GEORGE RE - BOB PEAT, BOB, MARTHA AND GEORGE THAT HONEY, IT'S SO HOT. OH DARLIN', IT'S SO DRY. OUR TEARS HAVE GONE TO HEAVEN, SO WE CAN'T EVEN CRY. OH, IT'S SO VERY GRIM. BOB AGHHH! BOB, MARTHA AND GEORGE WE'VE LOST ALL OUR VIGOR AND WE'RE LOSING OUR VIM. CUZ IT'S SO HOT THAT WE'RE SHRIVELLING UP, OH NO. BOB, MARTHA AND GEORGE (cont.) (Overlapping) OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! MARK Hey, you don't see me bellyachin', do ya? GEORGE Yeah, well, we don't really look to you as a role model, bro. BOB Take a break, Jake. MARTHA If everyone would just stop talking for awhile I think we'd cool down faster. MARK I, for one, cannot rest while knowing there are people out there who need to be entertained. GEORGE There aren't any people out there, you heat-seeking motherfucker. BOB And if they don't find this entertaining, they don't deserve to be entertained. MARK I know. I'll sing by myself. GEORGE You don't sing solo, Marky. MARK I'll dance then. GEORGE You don't dance solo either. BOB Does anybody have a barf bag? MARK I'll dance with Martha then. Come on, "Martho," time to get back to work. (He pulls MARTHA up and they start dancing the hula. MARTHA does OK at first, then starts to wilt. MARK tries to prop her up, but she slips to the ground.) GEORGE Give it up, bro. BOB Yeah. Look what you've done. You’ve killed "Martho." MARK I haven't kill her. Look, she's still dancing. (He tries making MARTHA’s limp body hula, but is not successful. So he slides her around, props up her backside so that it's facing the audience and wiggles it from side to side. MARTHA swats at him with her hand.) MARTHA Stop that! What are you doing? MARK Nothing. I'm just helping. (As MARK and MARTHA continue to argue, GEORGE and BOB get up and start dancing over.) GEORGE AND BOB IT'S SO HOT. OH HONEY, YOU SHOULD BE ALERTED THAT IF WE TURNED INTO CAMELS ALL OUR HUMPS WOULD BE INVERTED. ARE THOSE OUR LIVES FLASHING BEFORE OUR EYES? IF THERE WERE AWARDS FOR BORING LIVES, WE’D SURELY WIN A PRIZE. BUT WAIT, HOLD ON. WE THINK WE HEAR BELLS. IT'S THE GOOD HUMOR MAN WITH HIS ICE CREAM TO SELL. OH, HELP IS ON THE WAY. (They help MARK and MARTHA up and celebrate.) GEORGE AND BOB (cont.) WE'RE GONNA BUY SOME ICE CREAM, HIP HIP HOORAY. GEORGE, BOB AND MARTHA CUZ IT'S SO HOT, BUT WE DON'T FRET, CUZ WE'RE . . . MARK GONNA BUY WHAT WE WANNA GET. GEORGE, BOB, AND MARTHA AND IT'S SO HOT, BUT WE'RE STILL COOL, CUZ WE'RE . . . MARK GONNA BUY AND WE'RE GONNA RULE -- GEORGE, BOB, AND MARTHA (THE WORLD.) AND IT'S SO HOT, BUT THAT'S OK. (GEORGE, BOB, MARTHA AND MARK start dancing off-stage in a line) GEORGE, BOB, MARTHA AND MARK HOORAY A-BYE-BYE. HOORAY A-BYE-BYE. HOORAY A-BYE-BYE, A BYE-BYE, A BYE-BYE. GEORGE, BOB AND MARTHA A BUY BUY -- MARK THAT ICE CREAM! GEORGE, BOB AND MARTHA A BUY BUY -- MARK THAT ICE CREAM! GEORGE, BOB, MARK AND MARTHA A BYE-BYE. (They drop to the ground.) MARTHA You know, I think I really did see an ice cream truck over there. MARK No way. MARTHA Why are you always so contrary? (gets up) Come on, Bob. (She pulls BOB out of the pile.) MARTHA (cont.) Let's go get some ice cream for everybody. BOB Why do I always have to do everything? MARTHA (gets money from the case) Because we love you. MARK Like a doggy. BOB I'm gonna get Mark one of those really big popsicles so he can shove it up his -- (MARTHA pulls BOB away) MARTHA Come on, let's go. (MARTHA and BOB start to exit. ICE CREAM TRUCK BELLS heard.) BOB Turn off them damn bells! We can hear you, god dammit! (MARTHA and BOB exit. MARK and GEORGE continue lying in a heap.) GEORGE You know, that popsicle doesn't sound so bad. MARK I'm getting up. (goes and sits on the bench.) GEORGE Refreshing. (GEORGE goes and sits next to MARK who scoots over a little. THEODORE and THE TRASHETTES enter. They stand to the side and observe.) MARK So what do you think of Bob and Martha? GEORGE Oh, I don't know. They're kinda cute. MARK I meant as part of the band. GEORGE That's what I meant. MARK No way. GEORGE I did. MARK You didn't. GEORGE (rises) And what exactly are you implying? MARK (rises) I imply nothing. I state the obvious. GEORGE Oh yeah? MARK Yeah! GEORGE Oh yeah? MARK Yeah! (THEODORE and THE TRASHETTES approach.) THEODORE Gentlemen, gentlemen. What seems to be the problem here? GEORGE Sir, I can see by your attire that you're a man of the world. Enlighten us then. If a person says that the female members of a band are kind of cute, could that not refer to the professional aspects that they contribute to said band? THEODORE Well, yes. GEORGE (to MARK) See? THEODORE And no. MARK (to GEORGE) See? Hey, wait a minute. GEORGE Yeah, wait a minute. What exactly do you want here anyway? Watch the money, Mark. MARK (standing by the case) I'm already there, bro. (THEODORE and THE TRASHETTES go over to the case, peer in and laugh softly.) THEODORE Oh my. (takes out his billfold and lets a fingerful of cash flutter into the case.) MARK Hey, what do you think you're doing? GEORGE Yeah, what do you think you're doing? Do it again. THEODORE Gentlemen, I don't want your money. I want to give you money. MARK Go ahead. GEORGE Yeah. THEODORE Gentlemen, my card. (THEODORE hands MARK a card.) MARK (reads) “Theodore Tintorento. King of the Fads Incorporated.” (to THEODORE) You're this King of the Fads? THEODORE Oh, no no. I represent the King of the Fads. MARK You're the Prince of the Fads. THEODORE No no. GEORGE The Duke of the Fads. THEODORE No. MARK The Constable of the Fads. GEORGE The Landed Gentry of the Fads. THEODORE Gentlemen, please. As I said before, I represent the King of the Fads -- MARK Yeah, well we ain't no fad. GEORGE You got that right, bro! (GEORGE high fives MARK.) THEODORE Oh yes, I can surely see that. (peers into the case) But, and forgive me for being so bold, don't you want to be successful, too? MARK We are successful. GEORGE You got that right, bro. (GEORGE starts to high five MARK, but he isn't there.) MARK Come on, George. I think we've heard enough from Mr. Fad here. GEORGE Yeah. We ain't no fad. (GEORGE and MARK start gathering up their things.) THEODORE Gentlemen, I meant no offense. I mean you really could have it all. Fame. GEORGE We got fame. THEODORE Money. MARK We got money. THEODORE Women. GEORGE We got money. THEODORE Please gentlemen, if you’d only think -- MARK We don’t gotta think. We know what we want. THEODORE Oh now, gentlemen, there’s always something your friends can give you that you can’t get on your own. (THEODORE signals to the TRASHETTES.) MARK Oh yeah, like what? TRASHETTE #1 HITTING THE BIG TIME, DON'T NEED NO CAR. TRASHETTE #2 WANNA GET NOTICED? WANNA BE A STAR? TRASHETTE #3 DO YOU FEEL LIKE DANCIN'? YOU KNOW I'VE GOT THE KEY. TRASHETTE #1 COME ON AND NONNY NONNY WITH ME. THE TRASHETTES HEY NONNY NONNY. HEY NONNY NONNY, UH HUH. SAY NONNY NONNY. HEY NONNY NONNY, YEAH YEAH. IF YOU'RE A HONEY, SAY HONEY HONEY, ALL RIGHT. TRASHETTE #3 HONEY, HONEY! THE TRASHETTES HEY NONNY NONNY. HEY NONNY NONNY, TONIGHT. GEORGE Hey, what's all this nonny nonny stuff? MARK He's trying to push that "King-a-tha" shit thing on us again. GEORGE Yeah. And we ain't no shit thing. MARK You got that right, bro. (GEORGE and MARK high five each other, then start to exit. THEODORE signals to THE TRASHETTES.) TRASHETTE #1 THINK YOU'VE GOT CHARISMA. SO READY THAT IT ACHES. TRASHETTE #2 STEP OUT OF YOUR ABYSMAL LITTLE LIFE IS ALL IT TAKES. TRASHETTE #3 DO YOU FEEL LIKE SCRATCHIN'? YOU KNOW I'VE GOT THE KEY. TRASHETTE #1 COME ON AND NONNY NONNY WITH ME. (THEODORE tosses a fistful of money into the air. GEORGE and MARK eagerly gather it up.) THE TRASHETTES HEY NONNY NONNY. HEY NONNY NONNY, UH HUH. SAY NONNY NONNY. HEY NONNY NONNY, YEAH YEAH. IF YOU'RE A HONEY, SAY HONEY HONEY, ALL RIGHT. GEORGE HONEY, HONEY! THE TRASHETTES HEY NONNY NONNY. HEY NONNY NONNY, TONIGHT. THEODORE So what's it going to be, gentlemen? (GEORGE and MARK look at the money, THE TRASHETTES, then each other.) GEORGE AND MARK We're in! GEORGE Bring on the King! (MARK high fives THEODORE, then THEODORE and THE TRASHETTES start dancing off the stage. GEORGE and MARK gather up their guitars and follow in kind.) THE TRASHETTES HEY, LITTLE CONNIE, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNIE WHEN YOU NONNY NONNY WITH ME? (GEORGE and MARK suddenly pause with second thoughts. THEODORE signals for THE TRASHETTES to start flirting with the boys again. They do and GEORGE and MARK resume their dancing exit.) THE TRASHETTES (cont.) HEY, LITTLE LONNIE, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNIE WHEN YOU NONNY NONNY WITH ME? (GEORGE and MARK pause again. THEODORE hands some money to THE TRASHETTES who wave it in the boy’s faces. GEORGE and MARK look at each other, take the money, toss away their guitars and resume their dancing exit.) THE TRASHETTES (cont.) HEY, LITTLE VONNIE, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNIE WHEN YOU NONNY NONNY WITH ME? HEY HEY HEY. (GEORGE, MARK, THE TRASHETTES and THEODORE exit. MARTHA and BOB enter. MARTHA has two ice cream cones and BOB, an ice cream cone and a 12-inch, missile-shaped popsicle.) MARTHA Hey, where'd they go? BOB They probably went to take a leak. You know how guys are. MARTHA (notices guitars lying on the ground) What do you think this means? BOB Oh, you know. When guys have to take a leak, they just drop whatever they're doing and sprint on over to the nearest can. MARTHA You mean bathroom. BOB Right MARTHA Cuz there's a garbage can right over there. But still, their guitars. Couldn't they take care of their business without abandoning their beloved instruments? BOB Maybe they were abducted. MARTHA Space aliens? BOB Talent police. MARTHA What if we have to testify on their behalf? BOB We'll take the Fifth. MARTHA Wait a minute. If they were arrested by the talent police -- BOB Abducted. MARTHA why wouldn't they take their guitars as evidence? BOB Good point. They haven't been abducted. They're taking a leak. Let's wait. (BOB and MARTHA sit on the bench. BOB hums and whistles a little tune.) BOB (cont.) Hm hm hm hm hm -- (whistle) Dee dee dee dee da da doo. Hey look, Mark's popsicle's startin' to melt. What should I do? MARTHA Put it someplace cold. (BOB holds the popsicle out to MARTHA.) MARTHA (cont.) I'm not cold. I'm like a volcano. You should see the lava. BOB Warn the villagers! (MARTHA takes the popsicle.) MARTHA Why did you have to get such a big one? (She goes over to the garbage can and throws it and her two ice cream cones away. BOB holds up her cone without looking at MARTHA. MARTHA shakes her head, comes and gets BOB’s cone, throws it away also, then sits back down.) MARTHA (cont.) Where are those guys anyway? BOB Maybe they had more than one leak. MARTHA Should we go look for them? BOB Nah, it's too hot. (starts stretching and yawning) MARTHA (starts stretching and yawning, too) You wanna sing that song again? BOB I don't think so. Besides, I'm startin' to get kinda sleepy. MARTHA Oh, me too. BOB Let's just sit here. IT'S SO HOT. OH HONEY, IT'S SO HOT. MARTHA WE'VE TRIED TO KEEP OUR COOLS, BUT WE FIND WE CAN . . . (BOB and MARTHA fall asleep. EM enters and sees the sleeping duo. She gathers up the guitars, sits down on the bench and starts playing one of the guitars.) EM (to MARTHA) ALAS, MY LOVE, YOU DO ME WRONG TO CAST ME OFF DISCOURTEOUSLY. FOR I HAVE LOVED YOU, OH, SO LONG, DELIGHTING IN YOUR COMPANY . . . MARTHA (awakens) Oh, Em. What are you doing here? (She nudges BOB who snorts awake.) MARTHA (cont.) Where are George and Mark? EM Oh, they ran off and joined the circus. BOB (yawning and stretching) Shovelmania. EM Yep. They're gonna be big stars. If they play their cards right. MARTHA Should we wait then? EM No no. You can't plan your life around someone else's expected failure. BOB Why not? EM Because then you'd be a vulture. And you don't want to be a vulture. BOB Everyone else does it. EM True, but you're not everyone else, are you. Besides, if they succeed, you're left with nothing and you'd still be a vulture. MARTHA But they dumped us, didn't they? EM So? You dump them now. MARTHA How can we dump them when they've already dumped us? EM Well, you can start by saying good-bye. BOB Good-bye. EM Good riddance. BOB Good riddance. MARTHA Good-bye, good riddance. How can we say good anything when they're already gone? EM Oh, easy. Watch this . . . (rises) SO LONG, SUCKER. SUCKER, SO LONG. SEE YA, BABY, MAYBE NEXT YEAR. DON'T MEAN TO TEASE YA, ONLY TRYIN' TO EASE YOUR PAIN, ONLY TRYIN' TO EASE YOUR LITTLE FEARS. MARTHA But -- EM 'MEMBER LAST YEAR ROUND THIS TIME ANOTHER KISS-OFF DID OCCUR, BUT I WUN'T LEAVIN', YOU WAS LEAVIN' ME. YOU SAID YOU MET ANOTHER GIRL, I WAS A DUD, SHE WAS A PEARL, BUT IN 6 MONTHS I TOOK YOU BACK AGAIN. NOW I'VE MET ANOTHER GUY, HE'S THE APPLE OF MY EYE, THAT'S WHY I'VE CALLED YOU HERE, SO I CAN SAY, BOB (rises) (THAT'S WHY SHE'S SINGIN') EM AND BOB SO LONG, SUCKER. SUCKER, SO LONG. SEE YA, BABY, MAYBE NEXT YEAR. DON'T MEAN TO TEASE YA, ONLY TRYIN' TO EASE YOUR PAIN, ONLY TRYIN' TO EASE YOUR LITTLE FEARS. EM So, do you get it now? MARTHA I'm still not sure. EM She's still not sure. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS, A DUD, A SPUD, A CRUD, A MISS OH-WHY-OH-WHAT-IS-TO-BECOME-OF-ME? THEY DUMPED YOU. SO WHAT? GET A LIFE. THEY WEREN'T YOUR SPOUSE. YOU'RE NOT THEIR WIFE. SO SAY GOOD-BYE AND QUICK, SO YOU CAN BE BOB (A STAR IN YOUR OWN) EM AND BOB SO LONG, SUCKER. SUCKER, SO LONG. SEE YA, BABY, MAYBE NEXT YEAR. DON'T MEAN TO TEASE YA, ONLY TRYIN' TO EASE YOUR PAIN, ONLY TRYIN' TO EASE YOUR LITTLE FEARS. ONLY TRYIN' TO EASE YOUR LITTLE FEARS. ONLY TRYIN' TO EASE YOUR LITTLE FEARS. EM AND BOB (cont.) AND SO, A-SO LONG, SUCKER. BOB SO LONG, SUCKER! EM AND BOB A-SUCKER, SO LONG. MARTHA Well, that’s easy for you to sing, but how does one go about achieving this "so long, suckerhood." BOB “dom.” EM Well, you can start by starting your own group. MARTHA Our own group. EM Yeah. You have your own guitars now, right? (EM hands MARTHA a guitar) MARTHA But these are Mark and George's, aren't they? BOB (grabs the other guitar) Community property! EM Those clowns won't need these beat up old things where they're going. MARTHA But there are only two of us. EM You can be a duo. Like Sonny and Cher. MARTHA But they were a guy and a girl. BOB Chad and Jeremy. MARTHA I think you're going in the wrong direction. EM Bob and Martha then. MARTHA That still sounds like a guy and a girl. (to BOB) What's your real name? BOB Bob. MARTHA No, your birth name. BOB Boob. MARTHA Your name's not Boob. BOB Yes it is. MARTHA No it's not. EM Bobbie Ann. MARTHA Bobbie Ann and Martha? EM That's kind of hard to say. You've got that “Ann-and” thing goin' on there. MARTHA Martha and Bobbie Ann? EM Martha and Bobbie and who? BOB I don't like Bobbie. Boob and Martha. MARTHA Your name is not Boob. BOB Yes it is. MARTHA No it's not. BOB Yes it is. MARTHA No it's not. (to EM) How about using neither of our names. EM What about Just Us Girls? BOB Just Us Girls or Justice Girls as in Truth, Justice and the Babes Alone-ian way? EM Well, let's see. Ladies and gentleman, The Tonga Room is pleased to present Just Us Girls! (BOB makes crowd cheering sounds.) EM (cont.) Ladies and gentlemen, The Tonga Room is pleased to present Justice Girls! (BOB makes crowd cheering sounds.) EM (cont.) Sounds like a tie. MARTHA Just Us Girls. Justice Girls? BOB Knock, knock. MARTHA Who's there? EM Just Us Girls. BOB Justice? Girls? MARTHA No no. BOB No no girls? MARTHA No no. OK, let's call ourselves Just Us Girls for now and figure out the symbolism later. BOB What do you mean? EM OK, now that that's settled, let's talk about “George and Martha.” BOB The play or the people? Hey, why doesn't Martha play Martha since her name's Martha? EM Because I'm playing Martha. BOB Yeah. And Martha's getting damn tired of that, too! (to MARTHA) Tell her, damn it! MARTHA I don't wanna play Martha. BOB God damn it! MARTHA Why do you want me to play Martha? EM Because if you’re Martha, then she can be Betsy Ross. BOB Damn it! Damn, damn it! MARTHA So how's it going with Ms. Henkle? EM Don't ask. BOB See? You can't get a straight answer out of her! MARTHA She's still the director? EM Like Alfred Hitchcock with hair. BOB You know, if we call ourselves Just Us Girls, our initials will be J.U.G. MARTHA So? BOB So! So we'll be the Jugs then, damn it! The Jugs! Get it? Here comes the Jugs, all four of 'em! MARTHA Oh, Bob. EM Oh, Boob. BOB No, I'm serious, damn it! MARTHA How can you be serious when you come up with ideas like that? BOB Knock, knock. MARTHA Who's there? BOB Serious. MARTHA No, you're not. You're pulling my leg. BOB Would you rather I pulled your jugs? MARTHA Let's change the subject. BOB Why do men have nipples? EM Martha wants to change the subject, Boob. MARTHA Her name's not Boob. BOB I think I'm going to cry. EM Oh God. BOB Boo hoo. Boo hoob. Boo oob. Boo oob. MARTHA Your name's not Boob. EM Yeah. Stop crying, you big baby. BOB I'm not a baby. EM Yes you are. You're so full of self pity sometimes that it's just -- BOB A pity? A self pity? EM No. A shelf pity. MARTHA What's a shelf pity? EM It's a pity you put on display so everyone can see it. BOB Like an award. Best of Show. MARTHA Best of Show Off. BOB Ruff! EM And speaking of Best of Show, they're having auditions at Beach Baby A-Go-Go. BOB Ruff! EM Why don't you guys go? BOB Ruff! EM Would you stop that? MARTHA Do you think we're ready? EM Sure. You’ve got a name. MARTHA What about a song? EM Sing that Girls Who Wear Glasses song. That was kinda cute. MARTHA Cute. Is that gonna be our thing? Cute? EM Maybe. The important thing is for you to get out there so your thing can start doing whatever it is it's gonna do. BOB Ruff! EM Come on. Let's go. (EM starts to exit with MARTHA. BOB follows.) MARTHA Well, OK. As long as you're coming with us. EM Oh, I'd like to. But the thing is I have to go back to the House and work on my play. You and Bob the Wonder Dog can go. MARTHA Do you think we're ready? EM Sure. It's good experience. BOB Ruff! MARTHA But what if we get on stage and Bob starts barking? What if that's our thing? EM That won't be your thing. MARTHA I don't want to be a part of a dog act. BOB Ruff! EM It won't be your thing. BOB Ruff! EM (turns and faces BOB) STOP BARKING! BOB Ruff! EM Stopit. BOB Rf. EM (turns back to MARTHA) It won't be your thing. Come on, let's go. (EM and MARTHA exit with BOB bringing up the rear.) BOB Ruff! ACT II Scene 1 KING OF THE FADS INCORPORATED. Stage. Chairs. (GEORGE and MARK are sitting.) GEORGE Do you think we should’ve told Martha and Bob we were leaving? MARK Nah. GEORGE You don't think they'll be worried. MARK Nah. We'll tell ‘em later. GEORGE I think we should tell them now. MARK We can't. The King of the Fads'll be here any minute. If you’re not here, he'll cut your head off. GEORGE I don't need my head. (THEODORE and the KING OF THE FADS enter.) THEODORE Gentlemen, may I present to you him who knows of where he speaks, who sees where others see not, who brings the things that rings the chimes of those with nothing better to do. The one, the only, King . . . of the Fads. (MARK and GEORGE jump up.) MARK KING-A-THA, GEORGE KING-A-THA, MARK KING-A-THA, GEORGE KING-A-THA. MARK KING-A-THA, GEORGE KING-A-THA, MARK KING-A-THA, GEORGE KING-A-THA. MARK KING-A-THA, GEORGE KING-A-THA, MARK KING-A-THA, GEORGE KING-A-THA MARK AND GEORGE FADS. (The KING whispers to THEODORE.) THEODORE Gentlemen, the King of the Fads thanks you for your melodic, yet tediously repetitive, greeting, and he in turn extends his warmest and most heartfelt embrace. MARK Well tell the King that we accept his embrace with open arms and we in turn look forward to a successful and mutually beneficial collaboration. (The KING whispers to THEODORE.) THEODORE The King of the Fads says that there's no need to transmit your message through me. That he can hear you just fine. MARK Oh, well, tell the King. I mean, thank you, King, your Highness. And we look forward to . . . what I said before. (The KING whispers to THEODORE.) THEODORE The King of the Fads thanks you for your indulgence and, too, looks forward to a mutually successful collaboration. GEORGE Ask the King – MARK (hits GEORGE and whispers) He can hear you! GEORGE (whispers) I know that! MARK (whispers) Then act like it! GEORGE (whispers) Don't rush me! (to the KING) Your Highness, GEORGE (cont.) (talks and gestures as of the KING were hard of hearing) WHAT . . . ARE . . . YOUR . . . PLANS . . . FOR -- MARK (hits GEORGE and whispers) Don't talk to him like that! GEORGE (whispers) He can hear me! MARK (whispers) He can hear you when you talk to him normally! GEORGE (whispers) I know that! MARK (whispers) Then do it! (The KING whispers to THEODORE.) THEODORE Gentlemen, the King of the Fads apologizes for keeping you in suspense. GEORGE Tell the King -- (MARK hits GEORGE.) MARK There's no need to apologize, your Highness. GEORGE (whispers) I was gonna say that! MARK (whispers) Well, it's too late! (The KING whispers to THEODORE.) THEODORE Gentlemen, the King of the Fads says he has written a song that he'd like you to perform. GEORGE Tell the King -- (MARK hits GEORGE.) MARK Thank you, your Highness. We would be honored to perform your musical composition. GEORGE (whispers) Why don't I ever get to talk to him? MARK (whispers) Well, go ahead! Who's stopping you? (THEODORE hands MARK and GEORGE some sheet music.) THEODORE His Royal Highness calls it The Funky Monkey and thinks it's going to be a big hit. GEORGE (to KING) I'M SURE IT'S VERY GOOD! (gestures enthusiastically) (BACKUP SINGERS, MUSICIANS and VIDEO TECHNICIANS enter with equipment and set up for the song.) THEODORE Gentlemen, if you would be so kind. (GEORGE and MARK take their positions.) GEORGE (to KING) DON'T WORRY, YOUR HIGHNESS, YOU CAN COUNT ON US! (gestures enthusiastically) (VIDEO TECHNICIAN stands in front of GEORGE and MARK with a clapboard.) VIDEO TECHNICIAN Funky Monkey music video, take one. (claps clapboard and steps aside) GEORGE AND MARK HE'S A MONKEY. HE'S A MONKEY. HE'S A MONKEY. HE'S A MONKEY. HE’S A MONKEY. HE’S A MONKEY. HE’S A MONKEY. HE’S A MONKEY. THAT MONKEY CAN DANCE! BACKUP SINGERS CAN DANCE! CAN DANCE! GEORGE AND MARK THAT MONKEY CAN DANCE! BACKUP SINGERS CAN DANCE! CAN DANCE! GEORGE AND MARK THAT MONKEY CAN DANCE! BACKUP SINGERS CAN DANCE! CAN DANCE! GEORGE AND MARK THAT MONKEY CAN DANCE! BACKUP SINGERS CAN DANCE! CAN DANCE! GEORGE AND MARK CUZ HE'S A MONKEY! HE'S A FUN-KEY MONKEY. OH, HE'S A MONKEY! HE'S A FUN-KEY MONKEY. (THE FUNKY MONKEY DANCERS enter and dance like monkeys, doing the jitterbug, hip hop, running at each other and spinning around when they link arms or hop on each other’s backs, etc.) GEORGE AND MARK THAT MONKEY CAN DANCE! BACKUP SINGERS CAN DANCE! CAN DANCE! GEORGE AND MARK THAT MONKEY CAN DANCE! BACKUP SINGERS CAN DANCE! CAN DANCE! GEORGE AND MARK THAT MONKEY CAN ROCK! THAT MONKEY CAN ROLL! THAT MONKEY CAN DANCE WITH A HO HO HO! CUZ HE'S A MONKEY! HE'S A FUN-KEY MONKEY. OH, HE'S A MONKEY! HE'S A FUN-KEY MONKEY. HE'S A MONKEY. HE'S A MONKEY. HE'S A MONKEY. HE'S A MONKEY. HE’S A MONKEY. HE’S A MONKEY. HE'S A MONKEY. HUH! THEODORE And . . . cut! Print it! Beautiful, boys, beautiful. (GEORGE gestures enthusiastically to the KING.) MARK And you think it's gonna be a big hit? THEODORE Oh, we know it is. MARK (to GEORGE) They know it is! (THE TRASHETTES enter.) GEORGE Cut! (high fives MARK) Print it! (The KING whispers to THEODORE.) THEODORE The King of the Fads says why don’t these charming ladies take you to your rooms now. MARK We've got rooms? GEORGE Cut! (GEORGE starts to high five MARK, but MARK isn't there, so he high fives TRASHETTE #3.) GEORGE (cont.) Print it! THEODORE Oh, only the best for our newest stars. (GEORGE gestures enthusiastically to the KING as he, MARK and THE TRASHETTES exit.) ACT II Scene 2 BEACH BABY A-GO-GO. Bare stage. (MARTHA and BOB enter carrying guitars and wearing glasses. A female PRODUCER presides from off-stage and communicates through the PA system.) PRODUCER Name and song. MARTHA Uh, Just Us Girls? Girls Who Wear Glasses. PRODUCER OK, go. MARTHA OK. A-1, a-2, a-1-2-3-and . . . MARTHA AND BOB BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES CUZ THEY'RE SO PRETTY AND NICE, AND NICE. BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES -- PRODUCER Thank you. Next. MARTHA AND BOB THEY DON'T THINK TWICE. WHENEVER THEY'RE NEAR THEM, THEY ALWAYS WILL CHEER THEM. PRODUCER Excuse me. MARTHA AND BOB DING DONG, DING DONG. PRODUCER Hello. MARTHA AND BOB WHENEVER THEY'RE WITH THEM, THEY ALWAYS WILL KISS THEM . . . PRODUCER Hello. Ding dong. BOB (sing song) Who is it? MARTHA DING DONG DELL . . . PRODUCER (sing song) Get off the stage. BOB (sing song) But we're not finished. PRODUCER (sing song) So what? MARTHA (tugs at BOB) Come on, Bob. BOB No. (to PRODUCER) But we're not finished. PRODUCER You know what? I don't care. Next! (VOMIT enters with guitars and drums.) PRODUCER Name and song. VOMIT #1 Uh, Vomit? I Don't Feel So Hot. PRODUCER OK. Go Vomit. Justice Girls, what I said. VOMIT #1 I . . . VOMIT #2 WHAT’S THE MATTER? VOMIT #1 DON'T . . . VOMIT #2 WHAT'S THE STORY? BOB But that's not fair! VOMIT #1 FEEL . . . VOMIT #2 WHERE'S THE ACTION? VOMIT #1 SO . . . VOMIT #2 YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD. BOB Did you hear what I said? VOMIT #1 HOT! VOMIT #2 ARE YOU GOING TO -- VOMIT #1, 2 AND 3 VOMIT! BOB Hello? VOMIT #1, 2 AND 3 VOMIT! PRODUCER Wait wait whoa. VOMIT #1, 2 AND 3 VOMIT! (drink brown liquid from bottle) PRODUCER Cut! Cut! (VOMIT stops playing and the brown liquid spills out of their mouths and down their T-shirts.) MARTHA Come on, Bob. BOB No. (to PRODUCER) You said we could sing a song. PRODUCER You did, you sucked, now get off the stage. BOB We didn't suck. PRODUCER Your song sucked, therefore, you sucked. Security! God damn it! BOB We've got other songs. MARTHA We do? PRODUCER Good. Sing them someplace else. BOB But we want to sing them here. PRODUCER But you already sang a song and now it's someone else's turn. BOB But we only sang half a song. PRODUCER I don't have to hear a whole song to know you suck. Security! Where's fucking security? BOB But you said we could sing a whole song. PRODUCER I did not! BOB Yes you did! You said name and song, name and song. Not name and half a song. (to VOMIT) What do you think about this? (VOMIT stares back dumbfounded.) PRODUCER Song, half a song. What's the difference? BOB We want to sing another song. Another half a song. PRODUCER I don't have time for this. BOB Yes you do, yes you do. If you have time for a whole song, then you have time for two half songs . . . Hello? Are you still there? PRODUCER Yeah, I'm still here. BOB Well, are you going to let us sing another half song or what? PRODUCER Whatever. (BOB and MARTHA take off their glasses and whisper to each other. BOB hands MARTHA some sheet music. MARTHA looks it over.) PRODUCER (cont.) I'm waiting. I apologize for the delay, Vomit. BOB OK, we're ready. PRODUCER Wonderful. BOB WE COME IN PEACE TO SING OUR SONG. WE HOPE THAT WE WON'T BE TOO LONG. WE ONLY ASK BOB (cont.) FOR HALF A CHANCE TO SING A LITTLE SONG THAT WE ENJOY TO ENTERTAIN AND NOT ANNOY. WE ONLY ASK FOR HALF A CHANCE TO PLAY. BOB AND MARTHA THEN HERE COMES MISS POTTY MOUTH, SMELLING UP THE FLOOR. HERE COMES MISS POTTY MOUTH, OPEN UP A DOOR. PRODUCER Security! BOB AND MARTHA SUCH BAD LANGUAGE. DOES SHE HAVE NO SHAME? A LITTLE THIS, LITTLE THAT, LITTLE POTTY MOUTH, POTTY MOUTH. WE ALL KNOW YOUR NAME. PRODUCER Security! Where's fucking security? (GUARD #1, a physically imposing woman, enters and starts crowding BOB and MARTHA off the stage.) BOB AND MARTHA WHY WON'T YOU LET US SING OUR SONG? WE DON'T LIKE YOU, SO WE'LL SAY SO LONG. PRODUCER Oh, boo hoo. BOB AND MARTHA BUT BEFORE WE EXIT LIKE WE CAME, A LITTLE THIS, LITTLE THAT, (to GUARD #1) LITTLE POTTY MOUTH, POTTY MOUTH -- (GUARD #1 becomes incensed. BOB and MARTHA exit quickly with GUARD #1 in hot pursuit. CRASHING and SMASHED GUITARS SOUNDS heard off-stage.) PRODUCER OK Vomit, from the top. VOMIT #1: I . . . VOMIT #2 WHAT'S THE MATTER? VOMIT #1 DON'T . . . VOMIT #2 WHAT'S THE STORY? VOMIT #1 FEEL . . . VOMIT #2 WHERE'S THE ACTION? VOMIT #1 SO . . . VOMIT #2 YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD. VOMIT #1 HOT! VOMIT #2 ARE YOU GOING TO -- VOMIT #1, 2 AND 3 VOMIT! PRODUCER Love it! VOMIT #1, 2 AND 3 VOMIT! PRODUCER You’re killin' me here! VOMIT #1, 2 AND 3 VOMIT! PRODUCER La la la la . . . (VOMIT drinks brown liquid from bottles and spews it out.) ACT 2 Scene 3 HOTEL ROOM. A bed. Food, bottles of liquor and women's undergarments lie scattered about. (MARK lies groaning on the bed. GEORGE lies in a similar state on the floor.) GEORGE (groaning) Oh, I'm so happy. Mark, are you happy? (A LONG SONOROUS BELCH fills the room.) GEORGE (cont.) He's happy. Oh yeah. MARK Ugh. I think I'm gonna hurl. GEORGE Go for it, dude. MARK Have you ever heard the expression, "choking in your own vomit?" GEORGE Is that what you're gonna do? (MARK groans.) GEORGE (cont.) OK, here's what you do. Lie on your stomach and hang your head over the edge of the bed. (MARK does this and hurls a gushing stream of vomit onto the floor.) GEORGE (cont.) Heave ho, heave ho. (MARK vomits again.) GEORGE (cont.) You OK, man? (A LONG SONOROUS BELCH fills the room.) GEORGE (cont.) Oh yeah. You know, when we get famous it'll be like this all the time. National tours, fancy hotels, women throwing themselves at us. Phoenix. Dallas. (makes an intercourse motion with his fist) Portland . . . (THEODORE and the KING OF THE FADS enter.) THEODORE Oh, don't get up, gentlemen. (A LONG SONOROUS BELCH fills the room.) GEORGE Mark says thank you. (The KING whispers to THEODORE.) THEODORE Gentlemen, the King of the Fads would like to know if everything was to your satisfaction. GEORGE (groaning) It was the happiest night of our lives. (tries to gesture enthusiastically to the KING) THEODORE Good, good. Because we seem to have run into the tiniest of problems. GEORGE (sensing trouble, sobers up and rises quickly) Problem? What problem? (points to vomit) Is it that mess over there? (to MARK) Now you've done it! (to KING) Don't worry, King! A little moppy and shiny and it's as good as new! (gestures enthusiastically to KING while rushing to a mop and bucket in the corner.) THEODORE Oh please, gentlemen, it's not that. GEORGE Oh, they're tightening the screws now, Mark. (to KING) What is it, King? Give it to me straight. Is it Mark? Cuz if it is, he's gone. Yesterday's news. Homo ejectus. MARK (gets up) So, what is it then? You liked us yesterday. THEODORE Oh, and still do. What we have here is a little thing we like to call an IHF. MARK IH what? GEORGE F! F! (to KING) I swear, he's gone, King! Hook 'em and cook 'em, that's what I say! THEODORE Yes. IHF. In-house fad. MARK In-house fad. What's that? THEODORE Oh, you know, an idea generates a lot of in-house excitement for awhile, and then . . . MARK But we sang the song. We made the video. THEODORE Yes yes. This isn't easy, gentlemen, believe me. MARK Well, what's wrong with it then? We can make changes. We're not proud. GEORGE (mopping furiously) You got that right, bro! THEODORE There's nothing wrong with it. It's just an idea whose time has come and gone. You understand, don't you? Here. (pulls a video from his pocket and hands it to MARK) The King of the Fads would like you to have this for your portfolio. GEORGE Portfolio! King! King! What's that guy trying to say? MARK He's saying we're yesterday's news. Hooked, cooked, and overlooked. THEODORE Not at all, gentlemen. We liked what we saw. Now build on it and grow. Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure. (THEODORE and the KING exit.) GEORGE King! King! MARK George, no. He can't hear you . . . anymore. GEORGE What do you mean? Of course he can! You said so yourself! MARK It's over, bro. GEORGE I guess you're right. It is over. We were fools for coming here. Fools for ever believing in ourselves. Singers. Musicians. Ha! (looks towards the heavens and shakes his fist) Did you hear that, King? You had your fun and now we're nothing! Are you happy? Can you hear me, King? MARK Come on, George. Let's go. (GEORGE sighs and he and MARK prepare to exit.) GEORGE (indicates video) What's that? MARK The Funky Monkey video. GEORGE Oh. You know, I never liked that song. MARK Yeah, well, they said they didn't like it either. GEORGE That's right! It wasn't us, was it. MARK That's what they said. GEORGE It was them! MARK I don't think they said that. GEORGE I know. We'll take what we learned here and start a new band. Our own band. (to the heavens) Ah, King, I knew you wouldn't let us down. (gestures enthusiastically) MARK Yeah, well, come on. Let's get out of here. (GEORGE and MARK begin to exit.) GEORGE Wait a minute. (goes back and takes a bottle of champagne) For our portfolio. ACT II Scene 4 PARK. (MARTHA and BOB enter carrying their guitars. BOB’s guitar has a fist-sized hole in it.) MARTHA Well, that didn't turn out very well. BOB I know. And they were so mean to us. Look what that security guard did to my guitar. (holds up her guitar.) You know, this could've been my face. Instead of a nose, I'd have a big hole there. You could’ve strung a rope through my face and swung me from a tree like an old tire. MARTHA So, how does it sound? BOB My face? MARTHA Yes, Bob. How does your face sound? BOB Well, let's see. (BOB and MARTHA sit on the bench and BOB starts strumming her guitar.) BOB (cont.) Hm. Sounds OK, considering. TWO-HOLED GUITAR. TWO-HOLED GUITAR. I AM PLAYING A TWO-HOLED GUITAR. TWO-HOLED GUITAR. TWO-HOLED GUITAR. I AM PLAYING ONE NOW. MARTHA (plays guitar) TWO HOLES ARE BETTER THAN ONE. TWO HOLES ARE BETTER THAN ONE. TWO HOLES ARE BETTER. TWO HOLES ARE BETTER. TWO HOLES ARE BETTER THAN ONE, OH, TWO HOLES ARE BETTER THAN ONE. BOB DO DO. Y'know, I don't see why they couldn't have treated us better. MARTHA Yeah, after all we're . . . BOB AND MARTHA JUST US GIRLS. JUST US GIRLS. YOUNG AND STRONG AND FREE. JUST US GIRLS, IN OUR WORLD, SEE WHAT WE CAN SEE, OH, SEE WHAT WE CAN SEE THAT TWO HOLES ARE BETTER THAN ONE. TWO HOLES ARE BETTER THAN ONE. TWO HOLES ARE BETTER. TWO HOLES ARE BETTER. TWO HOLES ARE BETTER THAN ONE, OH, TWO HOLES ARE BETTER THAN ONE, DO DO. MARTHA You know, I think we're OK. BOB Me, too. MARTHA I think we can make it. BOB Me, too. MARTHA Maybe not as singers. BOB Oh, no. MARTHA But as something. BOB As girls who wear glasses. (puts on her glasses) As girls who have noses. MARTHA As students of American history. BOB As students of American noses. MARTHA I'm gonna go see Ms. Henkle and see how my application’s doing. BOB Me, too. MARTHA But you don't have an application. BOB I don't care. I have a brain. Can I not think? I have feet. Can I not walk? I have fingers. Can I not fill out . . . an application? MARTHA Do you want to apply? BOB Sure. MARTHA To college? BOB Sure. MARTHA And what would you like to study? And don't say American noses. BOB American noses. MARTHA You're so strange. BOB (plucks guitar) I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHAT IS THE CAUSE. I MUST BE STRANGE. DOING DOING DOING. MARTHA All right, let's go. You don't have to pick a major right away. (BOB and MARTHA start to exit.) BOB DOING DOING DOING. MARTHA You're such a little girl sometimes. BOB I am a little girl. You've found me out. I'm a foundling. MARTHA You're not a foundling. BOB I am. MARTHA You're not. BOB I'm a foundling at your doorstep. MARTHA You're a basket case. BOB And a little girl? MARTHA Sometimes. BOB You've found me out. (BOB and MARTHA exit.) (MARK and GEORGE enter. MARK has the video and GEORGE, the bottle of champagne. They sit on the bench.) GEORGE Well, what should we do now? MARK Build and grow. GEORGE On what? (MARK taps the video.) GEORGE (cont.) Oh yeah. You know, it all seems like a dream now. MARK Maybe it was. Let's play this back. Maybe we'll be standing there in our underwear. GEORGE Well, at least we have this. (taps bottle of champagne) MARK Shall we pop the cherry? GEORGE Why the hell not. (pops open the bottle and champagne flows out) MARK Ah, there we are. Just overflowing with promise. GEORGE (takes a drink) Ahhh, that's primo stuff. MARK Hey, gimme some of that. GEORGE Agh, get yer own. MARK Give me that. (grabs the bottle and takes a drink) Mm, this is good. GEORGE Only the best. MARK And we had this. GEORGE For a day and a night. (gestures enthusiastically to the heavens) MARK But now what? GEORGE Let's get it back. MARK Build and grow. GEORGE Endurance. MARK Evolution. GEORGE Should we get back together with Martha and Bob? MARK Nah. We're too evolved for them now. GEORGE We were IHF, weren't we. MARK Big time. GEORGE We've popped our cherries. MARK And we're drinking in the vintage. (takes a drink) Ahhh. GEORGE (takes the bottle) Maybe we should pop their cherries. MARK Bob and Martha's? GEORGE Yeah. MARK Nah. We don't have the time. GEORGE I suppose. (takes a drink) But that Martha's kinda cute. MARK What? GEORGE Martha. Kinda cute. MARK Where did that come from? GEORGE Oh, I've had it inside of me. You don't think I have needs? Desires? Yearnings? MARK Yearnings. GEORGE Yes, yearnings. I yearn for Martha. She's the star on my horizon, the babble in my brook, the grease in my monkey. MARK What's the matter with you? You're like a completely different person. GEORGE I am what I feel, Mark. And what I feel is love. MARK Oh, God. GEORGE I love her. (grabs MARK by the shoulders) Did you hear me? I love her! I love her! (rises) GEORGE (cont.) I YEARN FOR MARTHA. IT'S A FEELING I LIVE FOR. I YEARN FOR MARTHA. SHE'S THE ONE THAT I ADORE. SHE'S THE SONG IN MY HEART, THE SPRING IN MY STEP, THE WINTER, SUMMER, FALL IN LOVE THAT I JUST CAN’T FORGET AT ALL. WHEN SHE IS AROUND, OH, THE CLOUDS FLY AWAY, THE SUN IS ALWAYS SHINING AND THE BIRDIES SING HOORAY FOR SCRUMPTIOUS MARTHA, I COULD EAT HER DAY AND NIGHT. I YEARN FOR MARTHA. ALL I WANT IS ONE MORE BITE OF THAT PERFECTLY SWEET, DELIGHTFULLY FINE, CHEWING ON A MARTHA IS A JUICY VALENTINE. IF YOU COULD JUST TASTE, OH, WHAT I’M TASTING NOW. YOU’D ORDER UP A MARTHA AND YOU’D WRAP YOUR LIPS AROUND HER GEORGE (cont.) SWEET AND LOVELY. SO NICE ABOVE ME. LIKE HEAVEN TO ME. CHA DA DA DA. (The I YEARN FOR MARTHA DANCERS swirl in. They put a top hat and tails on GEORGE and give him a cane.) MARK Who are these assholes? GEORGE Why, those aren’t assholes. It’s the I Yearn For Martha Dancers! (THE I YEARN FOR MARTHA DANCERS do a June Taylor Dancers-type routine with GEORGE as Fred Astaire.) DANCERS HE YEARNS FOR MARTHA. IT'S A FEELING HE LIVES FOR. HE YEARNS FOR MARTHA. SHE'S THE ONE THAT HE ADORES. SHE'S THE SONG IN HIS HEART, THE SPRING IN HIS STEP, THE WINTER, SUMMER, FALL IN LOVE THAT HE JUST CAN’T FORGET AT ALL. WHEN SHE IS AROUND, OH, THE CLOUDS FLY AWAY, THE SUN IS ALWAYS SHINING GEORGE (cont.) AND THE BIRDIES SING HOORAY FOR SCRUMPTIOUS MARTHA, MARK I COULD EAT HER DAY AND NIGHT. DANCERS HE YEARNS FOR MARTHA. ALL HE WANTS IS ONE MORE BITE OF THAT PERFECTLY SWEET, DELIGHTFULLY FINE, CHEWING ON A MARTHA, IS A JUICY VALENTINE. IF YOU COULD JUST TASTE, OH, WHAT HE’S TASTING NOW. YOU’D ORDER UP A MARTHA AND YOU’D WRAP YOUR LIPS AROUND HER SWEET AND LOVIN'. SO NICE ABOVE HIM. LIKE HEAVEN TO HIM. CHA DA DA DOING . . . (DANCERS are swept off the stage on “doing.”) MARK I never realized you were so fruity. GEORGE Well, love does that to you. I'm all peaches and bananas now. MARK Well, get over it. We're a cutting edge band and you can't cut an edge with a banana. GEORGE Why cut an edge when the warm and fruity center is so very delightful? MARK We have to cut an edge because that's the direction we're going in. (holds up the video) Remember this? GEORGE I remember. MARK Remember all the women? GEORGE Ah. MARK Our one true success. Now we have to keep going in that direction. Grow and evolve, remember? GEORGE Oh, but I have evolved, Mark. Can’t you see? (takes the video) This tape represents our rebellious stage. Our rocky adolescence. MARK I like rocky adolescence. GEORGE But now that we've rebelled against our authority figure, -- MARK The King of the Fads. GEORGE we realize our essential essences, -- MARK Out of work musicians. GEORGE and must now replace the authority figure with that which represents our emerging identities -- MARK As bowls of fruit. GEORGE as vessels of love. You don't understand yet because you have no love interest. MARK I have career interest. GEORGE You can't have career interest unless you have a love principle. MARK What? GEORGE But what was I thinking? You do have a love principle. MARK My career. GEORGE No. Your -- MARK Don't say it. GEORGE Your -- MARK Don't even think it. GEORGE Your, your, your, your -- MARK No, no, no, no! GEORGE Bob! MARK Aghh! GEORGE Bob. Your love interest. The love of your life. Your soul mate. MARK She's like a bunyon to me! GEORGE It's all so perfect. Me and Martha. You and Bob. Bananas and peaches. Grapes and watermelons. MARK I ain't no grape. And Bob ain't no watermelon. GEORGE All right then, apples and figs. MARK I ain't no figgin' fig. GEORGE Yes you are! You’re the figs. Bob's the apples. Martha's the peaches. And I'm the bananas. MARK You got that last one right. And you can be the figs, too, while you’re at it. GEORGE No no. You're the figs! You're the figs! Come on, let's go tell Apples and Peaches the good news. (starts to exit) MARK Oh, by the way, Bananas. Does Peaches know she's Peaches yet? GEORGE Not yet, but she will. Come on. MARK OK, but you tell 'em the good news, OK? (follows) GEORGE Come on, come on. ACT II Scene 5 MS. HENKLE'S OUTER OFFICE. Couch. Table with college catalog. (RECEPTIONIST leads MARTHA and BOB in.) RECEPTIONIST Please have a seat. Ms. Henkle will be right with you. MARTHA Thank you. (RECEPTIONIST exits. MARTHA sits. BOB wanders around.) BOB I'm so excited! Are you excited, Martha? MARTHA Uh, why don't you sit down, Bob. Here. (hands BOB a catalog) Look at this catalog and see if you can find some classes you'd like to take. (BOB sits, flips through the catalog, then points to a picture.) BOB Who's that? MARTHA I don't know. Some guy. BOB Oh. He looks happy. Do you think I'll be this happy if I come here? MARTHA I don't know. Here. (takes the catalog, flips through it and hands it back to BOB) Here's a list of the majors. Do you see anything you like? BOB (looks them over) Hm, there are so many. Oh look, here's music. MARTHA Do you think you'd like to study music? BOB Nah. Is there a comedy major? MARTHA Mm. What about philosophy? I hear a lot of comedians like to study philosophy. BOB So you mean if I took philosophy there'd be a lot of comedians in my class? MARTHA Oh, Bob. BOB Would my professors be comedians? Oh, I'm too excited to think about this now. I want to study everything! Music! Philosophy! Art! History! Contents! MARTHA Contents. (BOB points to something in the catalog and hands it to MARTHA.) BOB TEACH ME, TEACH ME, I WANT TO LEARN SOMETHING IMPORTANT SO I CAN RETURN SMARTER THAN I USED TO BE. TEACH ME A LESSON, PLEASE. MARTHA That's the table of contents, you doofus. BOB There, you see? There's so much you can teach me while we're here. MARTHA Oh, no. Not me. There are professors and counselors who can help you with that. BOB But I don’t want them, Martha. I want you to teach me. MARTHA TEACH YOU, TEACH YOU, GIVE ME A BREAK. TEACHING YOU SOMETHING WOULD BE A MISTAKE. IF YOU WANT TO IMPROVE YOUR MIND, ASK SOMEONE ELSE THIS TIME. BOB TEACH ME, OH, TEACH ME. DON'T YOU WANT TO REACH ME? I'D LOVE TO BE YOUR TEACHER'S PET AND SIT UPON YOUR KNEE. YOUR KNEE, YOUR KNEE. I'D BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL. I'D STUDY HARD AND WOULD NOT DISAPPOINT YOU FOR THE WORLD. MARTHA This is not about me, Bob. It's what you want. BOB Well, I wanna take what you take. MARTHA Why? BOB Because I like you. I want to be near you. MARTHA BOB, OH BOB. WHAT AM I TO DO? YOU'RE LIKE A WAD OF CHEWING GUM STUCK UNDERNEATH MY SHOE. MY SHOE, MY SHOE. MUST I GIVE YOU THE BOOT? THEN YOU'D GO BOUNCING DOWN THE STAIRS WITHOUT A PARACHUTE. BOB Am I that worthless to you? MARTHA Oh Bob, just concentrate on what classes you wanna take. (BOB flips through the catalog.) BOB BOYS ALWAYS MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO TAKE CLASSES CUZ THEY'RE SO PRETTY AND FREE OF LICE . . . AND OF VICE . . . AND FANNY BRYCE . . . Wasn't Fanny Bryce a comedian? Hm. I wonder if I should change my name to Fanny. Hi, Fanny. Look who's here, it's Fanny! It's Fanny! Hi, Fanny! Look, it's Fanny! Fanny. Fanny. MARTHA (exasperated) Would you please stop talking. (MS. HENKLE enters.) BOB Oh, look who's here. It's Ms. Henkle. Hi, Ms. Henkle! MS. HENKLE Oh, hello Martha. BOB Wait a minute, my name's not Martha. MARTHA (rises and shakes hands with Ms. Henkle) Hello, Ms. Henkle. MS. HENKLE And what brings you here today? (BOB, also risen, looks at her hand, then gestures a handshake.) MARTHA Well, I was just wondering how my application was coming along. BOB (play acting) Ms. Henkle, how nice to see you again. MS. HENKLE Oh, it's coming along. MARTHA Oh. Well. So, does everything look OK then? BOB (play acting) Oh, my dear Ms. Henkle, you mean you can't quite recollect me in your memory? MS. HENKLE Well, to be perfectly honest with you, Martha, I'm not at liberty to say. MARTHA Oh. BOB (play acting) Why, it's Fanny! Not the Fanny. Yes! It's the Fanny. Oh, well, how honored we would be to have the Fanny seated in one of our classrooms. MS. HENKLE Oh, but you shouldn't take it badly. MARTHA Oh? MS. HENKLE Oh, no no. You know how these things can go. MARTHA Oh yes. MS. HENKLE And who's your friend here? BOB It’s Fanny! MS. HENKLE Oh, like Fanny Bryce. BOB (shakes Ms. Henkle's hand) Ms. Henkle, how good to see you again. MS. HENKLE Oh, have we met? MARTHA At Bleeker House. The play? She was one of the Minutemen, whatever. MS. HENKLE Ah, the play. Yes. BOB Yes, the play, Ms. Henkle. The play's the thing. MS. HENKLE Well, so how have you been, Fanny? MARTHA Bob. BOB Fanny. MS. HENKLE Well, Bob Fanny. The play is commencing quite nicely, yes. BOB Commencing. That's a college "toim," ain't it? MARTHA But I was just talking to Em and she seemed to be saying that there were some problems or something that needed to be worked out? MS. HENKLE Oh, well, there are always problems to be worked out. Isn't that right, Bob Fanny. BOB Oh, right you are, Mrs. H. MS. HENKLE As a matter of fact, I was just on my way to the theater to meet some actors. Would you like to tag along? MARTHA Oh, well, I was really more interested in my application. MS. HENKLE Oh, don't worry about that, Martha dear. After all, we mustn't concern ourselves too much with things that we have no control over. BOB That's what I say. We mustn't concern ourselves too "strainuously" with things what she said. MARTHA Well . . . MS. HENKLE Oh, come with us, Martha. You can help them read their lines. BOB Yes, Martha, you can help them read their lines. MARTHA Well, all right. As long as you know that I'm still very interested in coming here. MS. HENKLE Oh, of course, of course. (MS. HENKLE begins to exit with BOB. MARTHA follows.) BOB Speaking of courses, did Fanny Bryce ever take any philosophy classes here? (BOB laughs with MS. HENKLE as they exit.) ACT II Scene 6 BLEEKER HOUSE. (EM sits on the couch working on her play. GEORGE enters in top hat and tails and carries a big basket of fruit. He searches the room. MARK enters also and observes.) GEORGE Martha. Oh, Martha dear. It's your little Pookie. EM Hey hey! Actress-writer at work here. GEORGE Bearing gifts of his undying devotion. EM What's his problem? MARK Love bug. EM For Martha? (MARK shrugs.) GEORGE Tasty “vitaminas.” Attractive to the eye. And look who's bringing them. It's your little Pookie. EM Hey hey! Little Pookie. Do you mind? (GEORGE comes up to EM.) GEORGE Have you seen Martha? EM Why do you ask? GEORGE I come bearing gifts. MARK Of his undying devotion. Try the figs. EM Does she know? GEORGE Oh, I'm sure she does . . . (indicates his heart) in here. (starts looking around again) Oh, Martha. Kumquat. MARK So what are you working on? EM Oh, you know. "George and Martha." GEORGE Martha. Peaches. It's Bananas. MARK So how's it going? EM Oh, coming along. Better than before. (GEORGE comes up to EM.) GEORGE She's not here, is she. (EM shakes her head.) GEORGE (cont.) So what are you working on? EM Uh, "George and Martha: A Revolutionary Love Story." GEORGE Perfect! I'm already named George and Martha can play Martha. EM Forget it. I'm Martha. GEORGE Oh, but you must let Martha be Martha. And could you write some fruit in there somewhere. Maybe some cherries. EM Forget it. GEORGE But George Washington . . . EM I know. GEORGE And he . . . (makes chopping motions) EM Uh uh. Besides, you're not in the play anymore. You and Mark dumped me for that King of the Fads guy, remember? GEORGE Ah, a youthful folly that I now regret. EM How did that thing go anyway? (MARK gives a thumbs down.) GEORGE Write me a part then. EM My play is cast. Plaster cast. GEORGE Plaster can get broke. EM Broken. GEORGE PLASTER CAN GET BROKE, JUST LIKE MY HEART IN TWO. PLASTER CAN GET BROKE. OH, WHAT AM I TO DO, TO DO. OH, WHAT AM I TO DO. EM MEND IT WITH A SONG. SING BETWEEN THE LINES. RECAST YOUR LOVE IN IRON, THEN EVERYTHING IS FINE, IS FINE. THEN EVERYTHING IS FINE. GEORGE You and I think alike. EM No way. I was just playing off your lyrics. And by the way, I never knew you were so fruity. MARK That's what I said. GEORGE I only sing what's in my heart. And my basket. EM What is it with that basket anyway? GEORGE In this basket I have placed succulent reminders of my love for my beloved. (takes out a peach) Peaches for Martha. Sweet, soft, yet easily bruised. (takes out a banana) Bananas for myself. A greenish tint, yet ripening quickly and firm in its resolve. EM What are all these other fruits? GEORGE Oh. Well. Bob and Mark are in here, too. EM (to MARK) You like Bob? (MARK shrugs.) GEORGE (holds up an apple) Apples for Bob, tart and crunchy. GEORGE (cont.) (holds up a fig) And figs for Mark, kind of soft and baggy. (bounces the bottom of the fig with the flats of his fingertips) EM Hey, you tried to get me to eat one of those figs. (pokes MARK) What was that all about? MARK You looked hungry. GEORGE You like Em? MARK Negative. EM He likes Bob. MARK I don't like Bob. She’s like a zucchini to me. GEORGE Then who do you like? EM Yes, Mark. Who do you like? MARK No one. I like no one. GEORGE Oh, fiddlesticks. Of course you like someone. Here. (hands MARK a guitar) Write her a song. MARK Write who a song? GEORGE Whoever. Whoever you truly love will come out in your song. MARK (starts playing) Well . . . BOB . . . BOB . . . I LIKE BOB LIKE CORN LIKES COB . . . EM Strike one. GEORGE Try Em. MARK (playing) EM . . . EM . . . EM Yes? MARK EM . . . EM Oh, heavens to Betsy, I think I'm going to swoon. MARK Well, I told you I didn't like anybody. EM Excuses, excuses. If you’re really a songwriter, you should be able to write a song about anybody or anything, regardless of your so-called personal feelings. MARK I am a songwriter. EM Then prove it. MARK (playing) LOVE, GLOVE, STARS ABOVE -- EM Oh, you're hopeless. MARK Hey, I'm just not that kind of writer, y’know? I GOT NO LOVE SONGS. IT'S JUST NOT IN MY BRAIN. WHEN I SEE SKY, I SEE THE CLOUDS AND THINK ABOUT THE RAIN. I GOT NO LOVE SONGS. IT'S JUST NOT IN MY LIFE. WHEN I SEE WEDDING CAKE I SEE THE CAKE, NOT MAN AND WIFE. EM More excuses. MARK No. Statements of fact. EM Oh really. Then fact this in. YOU DO WANT LOVE SONGS. YOU'RE JUST AFRAID TO CALL. FOR INTO EVERY LIFE A LITTLE RAIN AND LOVE MUST FALL. EM (cont.) YOU DO KNOW LOVE SONGS. YOU'RE JUST AFRAID TO SING. FOR THE NOTE YOU HEAR WITHIN YOUR EAR MIGHT BE A WEDDING RING. MARK Emmy, the way you turn my lyrics around on me is just shameful. EM Hey, someone's gotta ask the tough questions. MARK But I've already given you my answer. EM Say it again. I wasn't listening. MARK I GOT NO LOVE SONGS, WHY DO YOU ASK ME WHY, IF SONGS OF LOVE I DO NOT HOLD BENEATH A STARRY SKY? EM YOU SHOULD KNOW LOVE SONGS, THEY’D LOVE YOU BY THEIR SIDE -- MARK BUT I HAVE TRIED, I DO NOT HIDE NO LOVE SONGS, LOVE SONGS, LOVE SONGS -- EM KNOW LOVE SONGS, LOVE SONGS, LOVE SONGS -- MARK NO LOVE SONGS, LOVE SONGS, LOVE SONGS, HAVE I. GEORGE He beat you. EM I let him. It's his song. MARK Don't be bitter, Emmy. EM I'm not bitter and I'll prove it. Beach Baby A-Go-Go is holding auditions. GEORGE Beach Baby A-Go-Go. That sounds like a girls nightclub. EM Oh, grow up, George. Pookie. What if I told you that Vomit auditioned there. MARK Vomit! Those no-talent, upchuck artists! EM Yep. Got a contract and everything. MARK Did you hear that, bro? Vomit! GEORGE Oh. Well. I don't know that I wish to explore that period of my development again. MARK After what they did to us? I'm still wiping off the stains from my blue suede Hush Puppies. EM I sent Bob and Martha there, too. GEORGE Martha? EM Mm hm. GEORGE My Martha? EM That peach of a girl. GEORGE Come on, Mark. Let's go audition. MARK I'm with you, bro. (MARK and GEORGE begin to exit.) GEORGE I YEARN FOR MARTHA. SHE'S THE GIRL IN ALL MY DREAMS. I YEARN FOR MARTHA. SHE'S THE PEACHES AND THE CREAMS . . . MARK Vomit, you've hurled your last meal! ACT II Scene 7 PATCHWOOD THEATER. Stage. (Prospective actors, TIM and SILAS, are waiting. MS. HENKLE and MARTHA enter with BOB following.) MARTHA So should I apply to other colleges, too, or just wait for an answer from Briarwood? MS. HENKLE Well, it never hurts to have other options. But you should be hearing from Briarwood in a few weeks, so why not wait? MARTHA Hm, a few weeks. Would that be closer to two or three weeks? MS. HENKLE Oh, two, three, four weeks . . . MARTHA Four weeks. Should I really wait that long? BOB Four weeks is a month, isn't it? If you wanted her to wait a month you should’ve say so. MS. HENKLE I'm not saying she should wait. I'm saying she can wait. BOB So you're saying she shouldn't wait. MS. HENKLE No no. I'm saying that she can wait, so why not wait? BOB So she got in. MS. HENKLE I'm not saying that. BOB So she didn't get in. MS. HENKLE I'm not saying that, either. BOB (pause) Did I get in? MS. HENKLE Ah, here we are. (to TIM and SILAS) Welcome to the Patchwood Theater, gentlemen. Martha, Bob Fanny, meet Tim and Silas, actors extraordinaire. BOB And not bad to look at either. MS. HENKLE Oh indeed. And these comely visages should be reflected quite nicely at the box office. MARTHA But can they act? MS. HENKLE Act? Of course. Boys, boys. (takes out a harmonica-like instrument) On three. A-one and two and . . . (blows a note) TIM To be or not to be . . . SILAS that is the question. BOB (applauds) Author! Author! (TIM and SILAS congratulate each other.) MARTHA Speaking of authors, does Em know about these two? MS. HENKLE Oh, I'm sure her reaction will be nothing short of enthusiastic -- BOB Bravo! Bravo! MS. HENKLE for she and I get along famously. BOB That's not what I heard. MS. HENKLE Oh? What have you heard? BOB Oh, what you said, only stick a "do" and a "not" in there somewhere. MS. HENKLE Oh really. BOB And that the only reason she puts up with you is because you got her this theater. MS. HENKLE Ah. BOB And that she thinks a tree stump could direct a play better than you, but -- MS. HENKLE Yes? BOB It's only a rumor. MS. HENKLE Well, Bob Fanny, it's a good thing I don't listen to rumors. BOB Oh, me neither. MS. HENKLE Wonderful. Shall we begin? MARTHA Begin what? MS. HENKLE Why, rehearsals, dear girl. BOB Yes, dear girl, rehearsals. What a tree stump you are. MARTHA Don't you think we should wait for Em? I mean it's her play and she is the star. MS. HENKLE Oh, there are no stars, dear girl. BOB Yes, there are no stars, dear girl, only starlings and meteorites. MS. HENKLE Now Tim, you'll be playing George Washington. (DRESSERS enter and dress TIM as George Washington.) MS. HENKLE (cont.) Tough, yet tender. Father of our country, leader of men and follower of Truth, Justice and God-fearing Liberty. Can you do it? TIM I regret that I have but one life to give for my country. BOB Bravo! Bravo! MS. HENKLE And Silas, you are Benjamin Franklin. (DRESSERS dress him as Ben Franklin.) MS. HENKLE (cont.) Lover of life, liberty and the pursuit of a well-placed garter belt. BOB Oo la la! MS. HENKLE And Martha, you are Martha Washington. (DRESSERS dress her as Martha Washington.) MARTHA Oh, I couldn't. MS. HENKLE Of course, you can. MARTHA But isn't Em, Martha? MS. HENKLE Do you see her here? MARTHA No, but -- MS. HENKLE But what? What? You want to be an actress, don't you? And you, Bob Fanny, will be . . . Betsy Ross -- BOB Oh, happy day! (DRESSERS dress her.) MS. HENKLE sewer of flags, planter of rumors, harvester of indiscretions. But first . . . (STAGEHANDS bring out a fancy table and four chairs in which they seat BOB, MARTHA, TIM and SILAS. They give them sheet music and give MS. HENKLE a microphone.) MS. HENKLE (cont.) a word from one of our sponsors. MARTHA Sponsors. MS. HENKLE (to audience through microphone) Hello, friends. After an entertaining evening at the Patchwood, why not experience a truly unique dining experience at Santa Lucia, home of Meatballs L'Agria. TIM I LOVE THE PARMESAN SILAS GRATED ON PESTO. MARTHA AND A CHIANTI WINE BOB AIDS THE DIGESTO. TIM AND SILAS OUR LOVE'S FOREVER, DEAR. BOB AND MARTHA PAINTED IN FRESCO. TIM, SILAS, BOB AND MARTHA SANTA LUCIA, TIM, SILAS, BOB AND MARTHA (cont.) (hold up forks with meatballs) MEATBALLS L'AGRIA. (smile at audience) MS. HENKLE (through microphone) Valet parking available, all major credit cards accepted. MARTHA Ms. Henkle? MS. HENKLE Helps pay the bills. MARTHA But will the audience accept it? MS. HENKLE Oh, theater people will sit through anything as long as it's live. And! (She points to BOB who sits in a chair with one leg propped up, scratching herself in the groin.) BOB Oh, this annoying feminine itch. Yaha! (EM enters with a couple of scripts.) EM Hey, how's it goin'? BOB (still scratching) Yaha! MS. HENKLE Splendid! Really sell it, Bob Fanny! EM How did that meatball song go? MARTHA This is OK with you? EM I can live with it. MARTHA You can live with an ad about feminine itching? (BOB rises and stumbles and rolls around the stage, scratching prodigiously) BOB Urrrrr . . . EM Hm. Trudy, I thought we agreed to stay away from the bodily function products. MS. HENKLE Well sure, till they started wavin' their tamales in my face. EM You couldn't have asked me first? (BOB stands close to EM, exhausted, but still scratching.) BOB Oh, this annoying feminine itch. (EM holds out her hand and MS. HENKLE gives her a can of anti-itch spray.) EM Why not try Comfy Vaj for fast, effective relief. (She hands BOB the can. BOB sprays herself and is cured.) BOB (to audience) Thanks, Comfy Vaj. MS. HENKLE Well I would have, but you were busy writing. EM Well sure, I'm always writing these days. MS. HENKLE Well, you are a writer. EM I am not a writer. I'm an actress. MS. HENKLE If you say so. EM I'm sorry, what did you say? BOB She questions your ability as an actress. MS. HENKLE Oh nonsense, Bob Fanny. I do not question Em's ability as an actress. It's just that there's a time for everything and right now we need a writer more than we need an actress. BOB Oh nonsense, Tru Henkle. Writers are a dime-a-dozen while actresses of Em's caliber are a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. MS. HENKLE That may very well be, but without a play, there's no play, is there. BOB (holds out the can for MS. HENKLE) Here, I think you need this more than I do. MS. HENKLE What I mean is, without a script, there's no performance, is there. BOB Let's improvise! EM Shut up, Bob. (hands MS. HENKLE a script) OK, forget it. Take a look at this. I think I've solved a lot of the problems we were having. MS. HENKLE Oh? Well, let's have a look then, shall we? (starts reading) Hm. (BOB strides over to EM and starts to take her script.) BOB Better let me have a look at that. (EM slaps her hand.) BOB (cont.) Ow! EM I especially like the part where Martha discusses Lockean philosophy with Thomas Jefferson. MS. HENKLE Hm. BOB You know, Martha's Martha now. MARTHA That's not true. I just -- MS. HENKLE Y'know, I'm not quite sure here. EM Yes yes. It takes a little getting used to, but if you'd just give it a chance. BOB Y'know what would really liven up a philosophical discussion scene? Comedians. MS. HENKLE Y'know, I'm having kind of a problem with the entire focus of the play. EM You mean the love story. Yes. That's why I'm taking it in this new direction. MS. HENKLE Uh, not so much that. But where's the drama now? EM The drama's in the setting, the Revolution. New ideas, new beginnings. MS. HENKLE Yes, but how do you convey that to the audience? BOB (to EM, under her breath) Comedians, comedians. MS. HENKLE Hm. You know where the real drama is? EM Why don’t you tell me. MS. HENKLE I think it's in this Benjamin Franklin/Benedict Arnold character. BOB (holds up a comprehending finger and speaks like in the Benjamin/Benedict song) Ahhh! EM Yes, he is interesting, I’ll grant you that. But he's more of a sideline character, to show the conflicted feelings when breaking away from one you’ve shared so much with. MS. HENKLE Precisely. And isn't that more interesting than debating the merits of Lockean philosophy? EM Not necessarily. MS. HENKLE And the Benjamin/Benedict character embodies his idea, doesn't he. EM So? MS. HENKLE So how does Martha Washington embody her idea? EM She embodies her idea because that’s what she believes in. BOB Tick tock, tick tock. MS. HENKLE And how does she fit into the play as a whole? How does she fit into her time, her place? EM So I haven't worked out all the details, but the basic premise is sound, right? MS. HENKLE Well, it may be sound, but is it the best solution? I mean why focus your attention on a secondary character like Martha Washington when a dynamic, interesting character like Benjamin/Benedict could so easily carry the load? EM But Benjamin/Benedict is a man. BOB Y'know, that Ben Franklin always seemed a little chesty to me. MS. HENKLE So what? EM So I didn’t spend all that time writing a play where I wind up playing a secondary character, that's what. MS. HENKLE Well, wasn't it Shakespeare who said "the play's the thing?" EM Oh, well, wasn't it Shakespeare who said "go fuck yourself with a ten-foot pitard!" MS. HENKLE Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, dear. But as director of this play, I have to tell you that I just don't feel you're ready to take on a leading role. EM Director of this play! The only reason you're the director is cuz you got us this fuck ass theater! MS. HENKLE No I'm not. I'm the director because I have vision. EM Vision! If you have vision why can't you see what a shit-faced weasel you are! MS. HENKLE I do have vision and I see that you're just not ready to take on a leading role. And furthermore, that your so-called play is in need of major changes and if you aren't willing to make them, I'll have to go out and find someone who will! EM That's it. (EM snatches the script from MS. HENKLE and begins to storm out.) MARTHA (sympathetically) Em, where are you going? EM I'm going to New York to get my play produced! MS. HENKLE Wait! I'm coming with you! EM Oh, no. You stay here and help Martha! MS. HENKLE But it's you I care about! EM Aghh!!! (EM storms out with MS. HENKLE in pursuit.) BOB You know, if I had had more lines in that last exchange, they'd still be here. MARTHA Well, we have four actors and a theater. Now all we need is a play. (THEATER MANAGER passes through.) THEATER MANAGER Sorry girls. No Henkle, no theater. MARTHA Well, at least we have four actors. Now all we need is a play and a theater. TIM Sorry, we don't work with losers. (Tim exits with SILAS) MARTHA Is that what we are? Losers? BOB I don't know. Let's go find Mark and George. MARTHA OK. ACT II Scene 8 BEACH BABY A-GO-G0. (MARK and GEORGE stand on the stage. GEORGE still has his top hat, tails and basket of fruit. The PRODUCER speaks from off-stage like before.) PRODUCER Name and song. MARK We don't got no name. PRODUCER You have to have a name. GEORGE For the Love of Martha. MARK The Rock and Roll Hamburgers. PRODUCER OK, Hamburgers. Song? MARK We don't got no song. PRODUCER Then why are you here? GEORGE Where's Martha! PRODUCER Who? MARK Where's Vomit! PRODUCER Listen, if you're not going to sing, get off the stage, OK? MARK Answer our questions first! PRODUCER Sing or get off the stage. MARK OK OK. One. Two. A-one, two, three, huh! GEORGE I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE ONE THAT I ADORE . . . MARK WHERE’S VOMIT! GOD, I HATE THEM! GEORGE I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE ONE MY HEART BEATS FOR . . . MARK I'LL KILL 'EM! THE BILE RISES IN MY THROAT AT THE THOUGHT OF 'EM! PRODUCER Wait. Cut, cut! Are you guys in the same group? MARK Where are they! PRODUCER Where are who? MARK Vomit! GEORGE Martha! PRODUCER What is it with you and Vomit? And who is this Martha chick? That song sucked by the way. MARK Just tell us where they are and we'll handle the rest. PRODUCER You know what? This audition is over. Next! MARK This audition ain't over till you tell us what we wanna know! PRODUCER Oh, I think it is. Security! MARK We ain't scared of no security! (GUARD #2, male and very big, enters.) MARK (cont.) Uh oh. GUARD #2 Rahrrr! (MARK and GUARD #2 battle it out.) GEORGE I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE GIRL IN ALL MY DREAMS. I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE PEACHES AND THE CREAMS . . . (MARK jumps on GUARD #2’s back.) MARK Hit him! Hit him! GEORGE (throws fruit at GUARD #2) SHE'S THE PEACHES AND CREAMS, A JELLO PARFAIT, -- MARK No! Use your fists! Your fists! (GEORGE takes a watermelon out of his basket and hits GUARD #2 over the head. The melon engulfs his entire head and stays there.) GEORGE A CHOCOLATE CHIP FRITATA THAT’LL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY. THEN YOU’LL SWEAR YOU’VE JUST DIED AND GONE OFF ON A WING . . . (MARK jumps off GUARD #2's back and punches him in the stomach. GUARD #2 doubles over. MARK hits him between the shoulder blades with a karate chop.) MARK Ha! (GUARD #2 goes crashing to the floor, melon intact.) GEORGE TO WHERE THE ANGELS FROLIC MERRILY, AT PEACE WITH EVERYTHING . . . (VOMIT enters.) PRODUCER All right, you wanted Vomit? You got 'em! MARK Vomit! PRODUCER Seize them! (VOMIT slowly approaches, drinking from their bottles and spewing brown liquid at MARK and GEORGE.) MARK Not this time, Vomit! Not this time! (puts his head down and charges) Aghhh!!! (MARK crashes into VOMIT causing them to scatter. GEORGE throws fruit.) GEORGE SO SWEET AND LOVELY -- PRODUCER Would somebody please shut that guy up? (VOMIT #3 charges GEORGE. GEORGE peels a banana and tosses the skin in VOMIT 3's path who slips and crashes to the floor.) GEORGE SO NICE ABOVE ME, (takes out a watermelon and stands over VOMIT #3) LIKE HEAVEN TO ME. CHA DA DA -- (watermelon slips through his fingers) WHOOPS! (VOMIT #3 has taken a drink from his bottle and when the melon lands on his stomach, he spews up a geyser of brown liquid. Meanwhile, MARK is being held from behind by VOMIT #2 as VOMIT #1 spews brown liquid at him.) MARK George! George! (GEORGE grabs his basket and dumps its contents over VOMIT #1's head.) GEORGE I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE WIND BENEATH MY SAILS . . . (GEORGE grabs GUY #2 from behind and MARK starts pummeling him) GEORGE (cont.) I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE BLOWHOLE IN MY WHALES . . . MARK All right, let him go, George! (GEORGE lets him go. A teetering VOMIT #2 takes a swig from his bottle, then spews up a geyser of brown liquid while spiraling to the floor. MARK turns to face VOMIT #1 who is about to take a drink, but MARK snatches the bottle from him.) MARK (cont.) Oh, no you don't. (MARK takes a drink and is about to spew the liquid at VOMIT #1, but soon realizes how vile it tastes and spits it out to the side.) MARK (cont.) Oh man. How do you drink this stuff, bro? (VOMIT #1 takes back the bottle, holds up a finger, then takes a drink and spews up a geyser of brown liquid as he spirals to the floor.) GEORGE All right, Ms. Beach Baby A-Go-Go, we've taken care of your goons, now where is she! PRODUCER Where is who? (BOB and MARTHA enter.) BOB Hey, did we miss the party? MARK Bob! GEORGE Martha! My love! (He rushes to MARTHA and escorts her to the middle of the stage.) PRODUCER Oh god, I should have known. BOB What's that supposed to mean? PRODUCER Nothing. Just get out. BOB Maybe we wanna sing a song first. PRODUCER Oh, right. After what you just did to my latest discovery? BOB Oh, they're all right. Aren't you, guys. (From their lying position, VOMIT #1, 2 and 3 raise their hands, then let them fall back down.) BOB (cont.) See? Now how ‘bout that song? PRODUCER You've already sung your song, your two half songs. And that moron in the top hat has been singing ever since he got here. BOB Well, we've never sung as a group before. PRODUCER You guys are a group? (BOB, MARTHA, GEORGE and MARK look at each other, then shrug and nod.) BOB Yeah. PRODUCER What's your name then? (BOB leans back and confers with the others.) BOB (to PRODUCER) We're the Freaks. PRODUCER The Freaks. Well, as long as you know what you are. OK, go ahead. (BOB, MARTHA, GEORGE and MARK confer.) PRODUCER Come on, I haven't got all day. Vomit, are you sure you're OK? (VOMIT raises and drops their hands again.) BOB This is a song written by George -- (GEORGE tips his hat) BOB (cont.) that used to suck popsicles, but that we're gonna try again. (GEORGE grabs a guitar and stands in front with BOB, MARTHA and MARK lining up behind.) PRODUCER OK. But if I hear the words "yearn" or "Martha," I'm coming down there to throw you out myself. Name and song. BOB The Freaks. The Workaday Blues. GEORGE (playing) OH, I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD AND I WORK IN CENTURY CITY, BOB, MARTHA AND MARK SHOO BOP A-DO WA. SHOO BOP A-DO WA. GEORGE WHERE THE BUILDINGS ARE TALL AND THE PEOPLE, THEY TRY TO LOOK PRETTY. BOB, MARTHA AND MARK SHOO BOP A-DO WA. SHOO BOP A-DO WA. GEORGE OH WELL, I TAKE THE NUMBER 4 DOWN OLD SMB. SIXTY MINUTES LATER, I'M A-DOWN BY THE SEA. MISSED MY STOP A-WAY BACK THERE, BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT. BOB, MARTHA AND MARK SHOO BOP A-DO WA, SHOO BOP A-DO WA. SHOO BOP A-DO WA, SHOO BOP A-DO WA. (GEORGE falls back into the line and BOB steps forward.) BOB OH, SHOULD I GO BACK NOW? SHOULD I GO BACK TO CENTURY CITY? MARTHA, MARK AND GEORGE SHOO BOP A-DO WA. SHOO BOP A-DO WA. BOB WHERE THE BUILDINGS ARE TALL AND MY BOSS IS KINDA SHITTY. MARTHA, MARK AND GEORGE SHOO BOP A-DO WA. SHOO BOP A-DO WA. BOB OH, IF I GO BACK NOW, I'LL BE FORTY MINUTES LATE, BREEZE INTO THE OFFICE AND MY BOSS'LL BE A-WAITIN', HE'LL SAY "COME ON OVER HERE," THEN SMILE AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT. MARTHA, MARK AND GEORGE SHOO BOP A-DO WA, SHOO BOP A-DO WA. SHOO BOP A-DO WA, SHOO BOP A-DO WA. (BOB falls back into the line and MARTHA steps forward.) MARTHA OR SHOULD I STAY RIGHT HERE AT THE BEACH WHERE EVERYTHING'S PRETTY? (MARTHA falls back and MARK steps forward.) MARK OR SHOULD I SCREW MY BOSS, MY JOB AND CENTURY CITY? (MARK falls back and GEORGE steps forward.) GEORGE BECAUSE THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN WORKIN' LIKE A SLAVE FOR THE MAN. (GEORGE falls back and BOB steps forward.) BOB DON'T GET NO ATTENTION. COMPENSATION'S A SCAM. (BOB falls back and MARTHA steps forward.) MARTHA TREAT YOU LIKE A DOG, THEN KICK YOU OUT AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT. (MARTHA falls back and they all start dancing out in a line.) MARK, GEORGE, BOB AND MARTHA SHOO BOP A-DO WA, SHOO BOP A-DO WA. SHOO BOP A-DO WA, SHOO BOP A-DO WA -- PRODUCER Thanks, Freaks. Don't call us, we'll call you. (MARK, GEORGE, BOB and MARTHA exit dancing. VOMIT rises and begins to exit.) PRODUCER (cont.) Whoa whoa hey. Would you guys mind cleaning up a little before you take off? Yeah, there’s some mops and shit over in the corner there. If you could just . . . (VOMIT commandeers the janitorial supplies and begins to clean. VOMIT #2 grabs the still unconscious GUARD #2 by the feet and drags him out, then returns.) PRODUCER (cont.) Yeah. I really like what you guys are doin’, y'know? You’ve got a kind of Nirvana meets Bob Dylan kind of thing goin’ on there. (VOMIT #3 starts to throw the watermelon into the garbage.) PRODUCER (cont.) Oh, hey hey, if that melon’s still good, just wipe it off a little and put it in the fridge, will ya? (VOMIT #3 examines the melon, then takes out a handkerchief and starts wiping.) PRODUCER (cont.) Hm. Y’know, I’m startin’ to get kinda hungry. I skipped breakfast. I’ll tell you what. I’m gonna go out, get a little nosh, and when I get back maybe I’ll bring you guys a little something. OK? OK. (CHAIR SCRAPING, WALKING and DOOR OPENING AND SHUTTING SOUNDS heard as the PRODUCER exits. VOMIT finishes cleaning as the next scene is being set up, then exits.) ACT II Scene 9 BLEEKER HOUSE. (MARTHA, BOB, MARK and GEORGE enter. GEORGE has a new basket of fruit.) BOB Well, that was a big waste of time. MARK Oh, I don't know. I got to haul ass on Vomit. GEORGE And I got to declare my love for my darling Martha. MARTHA Oh, uh, I've been meaning to speak with you about that, George. (MARTHA and GEORGE sit on the couch.) GEORGE I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE ONE THAT I ADORE. I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE ONE MY HEART BEATS FOR . . . MARTHA Oh, you wrote me a song. GEORGE Yes, and I bought you this. (GEORGE shows MARTHA the basket of fruit.) MARTHA A basket of fruit. How cheerful of you. GEORGE I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE GIRL IN ALL MY DREAMS. I YEARN FOR MARTHA, SHE'S THE PEACHES AND THE CREAMS . . . (GEORGE hands MARTHA a peach.) MARTHA Oh George, I don't know how to say this, but I don't love you. I'm sorry. GEORGE Alas. (gets up and wanders away) MARTHA I'm sorry, George. BOB Agh, forget about him. MARTHA But he seems so disconsolate. GEORGE (sits in the armchair and plays his guitar) MY HEART IS BREAKING. I CAN'T GO ON. MY HEART IS ACHING. ALAS, ANON. ALAS, ANON. MARTHA I'm sorry, George. MARK He'll get over it. GEORGE MY LOVE HAS SPOKEN. MARK Sooner or later. GEORGE MY LOVE IS GONE. MY HEART IS BROKEN. ALAS, ANON. ALAS, ANON. MARK There, I think he's finished. GEORGE AH, LOVE. AH, LOVE. AH, LOVE. I LOVED, I LOVED. AH, LOVE. AH, LOVE. AH, LOVE. I LOVED. BOB Well, at least he's in the past tense now. Are you finished over there, Mr. Brokenheart? MARK You finished, bro? MARTHA I think he just needs to be alone for awhile. BOB Then why doesn't he leave? MARTHA I think he'll be all right. BOB Good. Cuz I really think we should start talking group now, y’know? MARTHA But that producer said "don't call us, we’ll call you." BOB Forget her! You saw the kind of vomit that glorified disk jockey likes running her tongue over. MARTHA Yuck. MARK You got that right, bro. The Freaks are back! (MARK high fives BOB) MARTHA Uh . . . MARK What? MARTHA Uh . . . BOB Shh, shh. Martha's trying to say something. MARTHA Y'know, I think I'm getting kind of tired of being a Freak, you know? BOB Really. Did you hear that, Mark? MARK Yeah, and I don't like it one bit. Miss High and Mighty here tells my bud that she don't love him and now she's sayin’ that she don't wanna be no freakin’ Freak. MARTHA No no. It's not that I don't like being a Freak. It's just that, you know, you heard what that producer said, like, just as long as you realize what you really are and all that? MARK Hey, she's the freak around here, not us. MARTHA There, you see? MARK What? I don't see nothin'. MARTHA You called her a freak. Like that's a put down. Like it's a negative thing. MARK So? MARTHA So, so, do you really want to be associated with a negative thing? Like people calling the producer a freak and then that's our name, too? BOB You know, she may have a point. MARK Agh, she ain't got no point. It's a great name. I thought up that name. BOB Oh yeah? Well, we thought up a name, too. MARK Oh yeah? Like what? BOB Like Just Us Girls. Like when me and Martha were a group after you and George dumped us. MARK Well, I don't like it. BOB Well, I do. MARK But I ain't no girl! BOB Hey, you ain't man enough to be a girl! Besides, it don't matter. You and Mr. Brokenheart over there can be our back-up musicians. MARK No way. We're frontliners. BOB No, you’re not. You’re backsiders. The buns of the band. MARTHA Y'know, it's not just the name. I don't know if I want to be in the group at all. BOB Don't wanna be in the group at all! MARTHA Well, I said that this was only temporary, remember? BOB Yeah, until you found someplace else. MARTHA So? BOB So, have you found someplace else? MARTHA Well . . . BOB Well, well, Henkle took off after Em, so you can forget about college. MARTHA Yeah, well . . . BOB And Em is in New York, so there's no play. MARK If there ever was one. BOB And you don't love the guy who thinks you're just an angel from heaven -- GEORGE MY HEART IS BREAKING. I CAN'T GO ON -- BOB I mean I don't think I've ever met anyone where so many things have gone so wrong before. MARTHA You know, I really can't sing. BOB Not true, my dear. You have a lovely voice. (to MARK) Isn't that right. MARK Well, if you really want to know what I think -- GEORGE She has a peach of a voice. BOB There, you see? A peach of a voice. MARTHA No no, you're just saying that so I'll stay in the group. BOB No, I'm not. Besides, you don't have to sing. You can play the tambourine. Or be our conscience. MARK We don't need no conscience. BOB There, I've given you two perfectly good choices, you can be our conscience or play the tambourine. What's it gonna be? MARTHA I don't think so. BOB She doesn't think so. I . . . oh, I know. (She takes MARTHA by the hand and leads her back to the counter.) BOB (cont.) You can have my old job. MARK You worked here? BOB Yes, I worked here. What do you think I was doin’ back here all this time? MARK Oh, I don't know. I always thought of you as kind of an animatronic lawn jockey. MARTHA Oh, I couldn't take your job from you, Bob. BOB Sure you can! I'm a singer now. I'll make my money in the park. Come on! MARTHA Well, what do I have to do? BOB Oh, easy. Just sit back here and read Variety or your history books or whatever. MARTHA Well, I guess I could do that. For now. BOB Sure, for now. (to MARK and GEORGE) Come on, guys. Let's let Martha get acquainted with her new situation. (BOB, MARK and GEORGE start to exit, then BOB stops.) BOB (cont.) But first let's write Martha a song to remember us by. MARK I'm tired of writing songs. BOB I meant someone with talent. GEORGE When my heart broke, my muse escaped through the crack and flew away. BOB Hm. Well, maybe I'll think of something in the park. Come on. (They begin to exit again.) MARTHA I've got a song. (They stop again.) BOB Really? MARTHA Yeah. It was supposed to be for Em's play maybe. A French mademoiselle is saying good-bye to her officer-lover as he goes off to fight in the Revolution. MARK Are you sure you've got the right country? MARTHA (plays guitar) AU REVOIR, MON AMOUR, GOOD-BYE. I HATE TO SEE YOU GO PARCE QUE LE GUERRE IS IN THE AIR, MAUVAIS FORTUNE OF MINE. MARK I think we're gonna need subtitles for this song. MARTHA Then the officer sings . . . AU REVOIR, MON AMOUR, GOOD-BYE. DON'T LOOK SAD, DON'T FEEL BLUE. FOR CAN'T YOU SEE, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE TOUJOUR L'AMOUR OF MINE. FOR CAN'T YOU SEE, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE TOUJOUR L'AMOUR OF MINE. TOUJOUR L'AMOUR OF MINE. GEORGE That's it. I'm staying. BOB But she doesn't love you. GEORGE I don't care. I'll be a bell hop, sell fruit for a penny a piece, ten cents a dozen, just to be near. BOB Ah well. Come on, Mark, let's go out and start hitting those benches. (She begins to exit with MARK. MARTHA puts on her glasses and starts reading a history book.) MARK But it just don't make no sense. A penny a piece. How can a person survive on prices like that? GEORGE (plays guitar near MARTHA) MY LOVE RETURNS. I CAN GO ON. MY HEART DOTH YEARN. ALAS, ANON. BOB So should we go back to calling ourselves the Freaks? GEORGE ALAS, ANON. MARK I don't think so. I mean with four people it's not so bad, but when there are only two, you really start to get identified with the concept. (BOB and MARK continue exiting. GEORGE sings in the background.) BOB What about Just Us Girls? MARK I don't wanna be called the Freaks with just two people and you think I'm gonna wanna be called Just Us Girls? GEORGE AH, LOVE. AH, LOVE. AH, LOVE. I LOVE, I LOVE. (MARTHA takes out the clock sign and puts it between her and GEORGE.) GEORGE (cont.) AH, LOVE. AH, LOVE. AH, LOVE. I LOVE. THE END copyright (c) 1998 eric nakao date posted: december 6, 2004 latest web page update: january 1, 2005 home  |  top  |  site map